Tragic-OnLine.

有时候，笑着哭，很痛。但有时候，也是一种解脱。

2011-07-12T01:25:00.003+08:00

2010-07-29T14:25:00.002+08:00

I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kinda boring
Need something that I can confess

I have to listen to songs on my iPhone on my way to work, or the rides would feel tedious and unbearably ‘loud’ for the mere 20minutes’ commute.

As I shuffled through my recent favourites, like “Let Me Out” by Ben’s Brother, “Hey Hey” by Dennis Ferrer, “We Speak No Americano” by Yolanda Be Cool, “Secrets” by OneRepublic, and “Make You Feel My Love” plus “Melt My Heart To Stone” by Adele etc, I realized that these songs were on constant loop because some of them were the “song of my life”, at some point of time in my life. THE song that expressed exactly what I was going through.

Which was practically all of the above besides WSNA, which is just my tune of the month.

When I hear “Daddy DJ”, it brings me back to 1999 when I was casting Deo Saighead and Mor Dion in Chaos in SGDA on my 56K dialup modem, where my mum purposely disrupted by constantly calling home. One Way Or The Other by Blondie, the quiet afternoons I have with my little nieces watching cartoons(Angelica was singing a variation of it on one episode of Rugrats). Deep Sprit – Lonely (DJ Lhasa remix), when my ex and I broke up.

Rob Zombie, Pantera and AC/DC music, back when I lived and breathed hard rock and heavy metal(still one, but not as intense anymore). Tiesto and Darude’s music? Back when my life derailed for a while and I relived my disco pill-popping days.

Emofied acoustics, live hard die fast ‘commercial’ music, hard rock and heavy metal music with lyrics that don’t make sense, even the occasional happy chirpy songs that ain’t my usual cuppa tea. I love my quirky life tracks throughout the past decade and more.

What is YOUR song?

Back from Shanghai...

2010-07-19T10:07:00.002+08:00

... With a ~~vengeance~~ stomach virus.

6 in the company, with a dash of drama and a lot of drinking and eating.

2010 is a year quite filled with trips on my calender.

I love it ;)

2010-06-28T03:14:00.008+08:00

这两个月，还以为过得蛮开心的；即使没了工作，至少还有你的陪伴。

我知道我们不是男女朋友，而虽然在此刻我们两的 ‘成人世界’ 里只有对方，我们往后依旧什么也不会是，更何况，我也发现我已渐渐单单变成你的卸闷工具。况且，我也发现一个铁定的事实－你最近对另一个女生感兴趣－哈，可能是我对你太好了吧。

人都是对未钓到的鱼儿较感兴趣。

也可能是我自攀清高，以为我足够满足你，就算只是应你而求只当一个特殊 ‘朋友’，但我对你的日久生情开始萌现，让你无法呼吸。

我真的不知道。

但我真的受伤了。。。我为你付出的一切根本一点也不值得。我有时纳闷是不是我自己的错，但我 ‘要求’ 的从来并不多（其实想想，我有要求过什么吗？）现在的情况怎么也不只是单单我一手造成的。

今天看着你坐在她的旁边，心好痛。早上只有我们两人世界，下午却又什么都不是，我的心荷负不来。

是我真的开始太喜欢你，还是因为太寂寞了，变成对你产生依赖？我不知道，但我很累了。真的不行了。

我要找回自我，不想再为你伤心了。不想再裸露我对你的情感。累了。放弃了。我很想很想就此退出，从新做一个真真正正的，普通朋友。

Lord, please grant me strength.

2010-06-28T03:12:00.000+08:00

Hiss

2010-04-26T11:26:00.004+08:00

"Good mor-------" *Sounds of air hissing, a throat-clearing cough, and more hissing*

I'm surprised the callers to my phone at work today have thusfar managed to decipher my Parseltongue, despite the fact that I got sniggered at by one of them.

*Hiss hiss hiss* Oh, I feel so sexy.

---

Yep, I decided to pop by and wipe some virtual spiderwebs off this site since I have temporarily lost one of two manners of communication.

I have started a new position earlier this month, and its located at SGX Centre. So far, the location and environment and salary are nothing I will complain about :) Alas, nothing is perfect; They do not have enough headcounts at the moment, so I am lacking in some of the benefits.

Well, I'm sure all things work out in the end, so I'll just see how this goes.

So anyway, work aside, my social life has been rather status quo for the past few months, and I'm not sure why I'm not particular urgent about changing that, seeing that the number of guys I had gone out with during the last 3 years has been pathetically scarce, but I am.

I suppose it is because the disappearance of Strawberry since February had not only hurt a little, but also hit a sore spot - He was just like R, who started having doubts, and latched on to the out that I softheartedly present to them, and then disappeared without a trace.

It had hurt because... I thought they respected me.

Turns out, I'm just wrong as usual.

But I'm... me. And me being me, I shrugged that off with a "Shit happens" and I'm now looking forward to the next encounter with a fiesty grin on my face.

Welcome... to JenxGeR's Most Excellent Adventures.

2010-03-17T00:49:00.005+08:00

有时候，很难逼自己笑而带之。

难道我也得跟现社会一样肤浅，一样盲目的恭敬吗？

为什么身边的人都似乎以利益来衡量一切？我已没有利益价值了吗？

我知道我能给的并不多，也可能我的毛病就是想太多，太注重回报，太小气，但最近，觉得自己很渺小。

庆幸的是，我绝对相信我有一天会找到自己所寻找的pinnacle of happiness and peace. :))

Read this and know this. I.miss.you.

2010-03-13T01:49:00.000+08:00

2010-03-10T11:43:00.005+08:00

I often get vivid dreams that I remember after waking up, but some of them gradually fade away, so I thought I should write this down.

So I thought I went to Sin Nee's place to visit, where she was sharing it with her boyfriend, who suggested I borrow from this loan shark he knows, if I wanted to get that something I needed. I was mulling over it as I went to the carpark, said goodbye to Ni, who apparently was my niece/cousin in this dream, passed by a guy who parked his Harley, while I picked up my bike, and drove it smoothly on the overhead bridge, to get to the bus stop across the road.

I'd 'bought' the bike like I bought my electric guitar in real life; I bought it before I knew how to ride it, but amazingly, I rode it like an expert that day. I even went on facebook on my phone to tell Lavinia that I finally did it(IRL we went to Bali last month, and we rented a scooter bike thing which I almost crashed), but she told me adamantly that I DON'T have a bike. I then went to 'find' the picture I've posted onto her page and showed it to her.

Just when I decided that I should ride home and skip the public transport instead(ended up at the bus stop as a force of habit), which was why I bought the bike in the first place, my bus came and I thought, 'Mehh, I'll just take it, bike and all," but again, out of habit, I must have left the bike on the bus/at the bus stop because when I got home, laid on the bed, and decided to take another picture of my lovely bike with flames emblazoned on the bike fender, I realised that my bike was not with me.

I woke up when I was panicky and trying to get SMRT's number online.

Lol. If I get this kind of dream when I went to sleep sober, I can't wait to recall the dreams I have when I went to bed drunk. Or maybe my subconscious is telling me to just risk it and do what I want in life. Or simply get a bike that I have always kind of wanted.

Soo anyway, I admit that I have not been updating in ages. Quite a few significant things happened; I have officially tendered at BTSC, am off this whole week, and will be working there still next week, at an 'ala carte service' basis, since I have not found anything else, and they desperately need someone. I can feel the first tendrils of panic creeping over me due to my unemployment, but not yet.

Soon, though.

Anyway, Strawberry and I have stopped contacting. We met up once in late January after I got back from HK/Macau(with Yan) and then straight-after, Bintan with my girlfriends. What happened that evening had led to my previous post, because that was what he said to me, and apparently, he's serious this time. We barely exchanged 2 texts after that day, and we've basically stopped all communications since early February.

While I'm sad it has finally happened, it HAS to happen one day, innit? What surprised me was that it barely hurt or registered; I guess I have been preparing myself for this day so well, that I took it in stride when I realised that Strawberry is not contacting me anymore.

Or maybe I have become so jaded, the strong feelings I had for him have long faded when things got shaky last year and I was still trying to hold on. *Humourless snort of laughter*

Still kinda miss him, though. After all, we were in constant contact for a good 4 months out of the 8 months that we have known each other. Literal constant contact - His text would be the first thing I see in the morning, and we would text each other the entire day until his bedtime. Of course, that ended after a month or so as he was concentrating on me way too much, and I him, but it was nice.

Actually, the past few months were great, in a way, so while I am sad to see it end, it does deserve a formal farewell.

Goodbye Strawberry, goodbye 'Old man'. Ta. :)

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

Guilt.

2010-02-03T14:03:00.007+08:00

guilt /gɪlt/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [gilt] Show IPA
–noun 1. the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, esp. against moral or penal law; culpability: He admitted his guilt.
2. a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.
3. conduct involving the commission of such crimes, wrongs, etc.: to live a life of guilt.

Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that they have violated a moral standard, and is responsible for that violation. It is closely related to the concept of remorse.

Catholic Guilt

Catholic guilt is the term used to identify the supposed excess guilt felt by Catholics and lapsed Catholics. The term Catholic Guilt is controversial as it is not clearly differentiated from the guilt felt by members of other religions or moral codes.

Living in sin, with sin, by sin, for sin, every hour, every day, year in, year out. Waking up with sin in the morning, seeing the curtains drawn on sin, bathing it, dressing it, clipping diamonds to it, feeding it, showing it round, giving it a good time, putting it to sleep at night with a tablet of Dial if it's fretful. Always the same, like an idiot child carefully nursed, guarded from the world.

But sometimes, on a defiant day, I would tell myself, "Never regret anything because it was what we wanted. What we want. Guilt is the price we pay willingly for doing what we are going to do anyway."

In ipsa dubitatione facinus inest, etiamsi ad id non pervenerint.
Guilt is present in the very hesitation, even though the deed be not committed.

Has it been 8 months, already?

While I know I often preach, "No apologies, no regrets", and that I said once that I've stopped listening to my conscience, it IS there. Nagging, tugging at me. Every recollection of you is bittersweet because it is tinged with the burden of guilt. But I must admit, there was also the pleasure, the joy, the excitement.

I am smart, but not too intelligent. I'm courageous, but not too brave. Not brave or intelligent enough to know what to do.

What about you? Do you?

I DON'T believe it!

2009-11-20T02:58:00.003+08:00

The second last time I lost my wallet, it was over 3 years ago, and amazingly enough, a construction worker was the one who picked it up, and he returned it personally to my home.

The last time I lost my BAG, it was last Saturday night, at a house party for a friend of a friend's birthday party. Someone went through our bags and picked mine.

With that in mind, who woulda thought I have any chance of retrieving it, when it was obviously not a spur of the moment thing but with that purpose in mind?

Then I had to drop my phone the other day and the LCD screen is now shot. All in all, with the stress from my new workplace(yes, I'm working for R right now), I thought I've had a really, really suay month, but NO, it's actually not that bad, after all!

SOMEONE MAILED MY BAG BACK TO ME!!! WITH ALL INTACT, BUT THE CASH! I'm flabbergasted. Speechless. And totally overjoyed.

Finally there's somebody up there who took pity on me and realise I've had a shitty enough life.

Thank you. <3

Who was I kidding?

2009-11-13T12:24:00.004+08:00

Who was I kidding when I said I could work for R? That everything would be fine?

It was never much, us 'together', but I guess I never got over the hurt. I'm done with the fact that I was unceremoniously dumped being thrown in my face daily.

Not when I still have a soft spot for him.

Not when he ultimately married that woman. Not when it took him a year to apologise for what he'd done. Not when he promised me... Promised that......

Just not.

I can't do this anymore. Not with R, not with Strawberry. I'm just... Done.

I'm done.

No more.

2009-10-30T10:37:00.003+08:00

No more handouts, no more little bread crumbs.

I have already given up trying to maintain our 'arrangement' the day you said 'we'll see'.

Now the ball's in your court to see if you want to at least remain as friends who keep in contact, as I did seem to recall a time of humourous, innocent chats.

Move along now people, time's up, show's over, zip up your fly.

Till next time. ;)
Jenx

Dang.

2009-10-21T10:21:00.000+08:00

Author's note: Sounds like this guy wants to bomb the Club full of caucasians... Not that I'm racist and think that Arabs are associated with the terrorists or like to fornicate with their camels, definitely not, but... It's creepy nonetheless.

---

Hi there,

I would like to put my three children to join your highly beautiful and moral club. Why I say high moral is that the atmosphere is very good because of no gambling of bets. If I have heard earlier of this club I would put my children almost immeadiately. I want the children to practice everyday especially my son who has just finished his exams and not attending school. He is 12 years old.I would pay any amount in order for them to attend classes everyday, mainly because of the good environment and I want them to be the best.

I notice in your website that there are alot of Caucasian. Why don't the club inject more other races to come. I am an Arab Singaporean so it is good to have other races in this club. All of us are one, our father is Adam. Is good to intermingle with other races inorder to respect and know each other cultures and religion and be a better person in everything.

Please get back to me as soon as possible as I don't want to waste anytime.Thank You.

End Times.

2009-09-27T16:38:00.000+08:00

The pitch dark galaxy had no stars nor moon to illuminate the sky tonight. Only fire. Fire and twirling red lights from abandoned police cars.

A willowy woman in a tattered red sundress stood slightly crouched as she gazed sightlessly from her perch on the rooftop of your average suburban house. She murmured to herself constantly, as if chanting a prayer.

A tile shifted slightly behind her, indicating presence. She did not move. The words drifted in the wind, caressing her, almost inaudible in the blaring sirens. Was that her voice, or someone else's? Not that the woman cared. The words soothed her.

The presence got closer. The burning torch in the woman's left hand trembled slightly, but it remained in her grasp. She remained unmoving, eyes trained frontwards willfully. "Lillith," The voice purred into her left ear, encompassing her, ruffling her raven hair. "Lillith..."

"My... name is Elizabeth Peterson, and I am a... copywriter from, from Maryland," Beth choked out her recitation as an icy hand clasped itself over her left arm. "My name is Elizabeth Peterson, and I am a copywriter from Maryland." A tear escaped as her eyelids fluttered close. "My name is Elizabeth Peterson. Lizzy. Lizzy Peterson."

The pitch dark galaxy had no stars nor moon to illuminate the sky tonight. Only fire. Fire and twirling red lights from abandoned police cars, and a forgotten, dying torch.

Good to hear.

2009-09-26T10:35:00.000+08:00

Be a master, know its name.

Cease the ache, Jen, know the game.

Men are fickle like Love is vain,

so sigh no more Jen, sigh no more.

Come along and repeat after me:

"Good to hear,

Good to hear,

Good to hear."

Days down under.

2009-08-31T02:58:00.002+08:00

3rd day in Sydney is winding down to a close.

Night falls at 6ish every night, and it's pitch dark by about 7.30pm. Life's really slack around here, so it's still taking me quite awhile to get used to it. I'm pretty laid back, but there's a limit to how slow things are here. Thankfully, while some of the clubs I've been to have been disappointing, the bars are doing better. Prolly it's because you don't have to pay $25AUD to enter the establishment to find out that the crowd and music sucks. Heh.

I got back at 10pm after having fun in a gay bar called the Colombian Hotel. How awesome is that? Alot of shops along Oxford Street and George Street were closed by 3pm today, but Chi-Town was great - Felt like home! Food wasn't all that expensive as compared to other places in Sydney too. Managed to shop a lil despite my tight budget... Though I'm fearing for the remaining 14 days.

Oh well. We'll see what happens when we reach that road. Have 5 more days before we head down to Melbourne to bunk at my friend's. Woo hoo!

3rd day in Sydney is winding down to a close... It's times like this when in the solace of the night, I find myself awake, thinking about... All the little things. Nothing. Everything.

Good night.

Australia, HERE I COME!

2009-08-27T15:21:00.003+08:00

Author's note: It would be over a month that Strawberry and I not meet up by the time I get back from down under; I wonder what would happen then? Is it me or is this gradually fading away after the deed has finally been done? Oh well. We'll see.

Oh and, HE chatted with me on FaceBook yesterday. Unbelievable. Said he might have a position for me at his current employment and that we'll discuss it when I get back in Singapore. I can imagine what would happen if we work together at the same place though...

*Grins*

Counting down to my flight in exactly 18 hours.

I will be down under with Amanda, joining Apple, who is finishing her last semester at NSW in Sydney, with a short holiday-within-a-holiday to Melbourne on 5th Sept till the 9th, bunking over at my friend's - Yi Jun - place.

S.E.V.E.N.T.E.E.N freaking days. I should get a PSP to accompany my journey! Unfortunately, I don't have enough moolah :( It's through the aid of my family that I'd scramble enough to finance my expenses there, as it is. Have some savings tied up with 2 close friends, one of which has way too much family obligations and bills to pay, and one just lost her job a few days ago.

I think I'm going to be broke for a long time :) Time for a job hunt when I return, but for now, I'ma continue partying like a rockstar.

*Grins*

Oopsy daisy...

2009-08-22T09:53:00.004+08:00

Oopsy daisy last night... But we kinda saw that coming, so yea *shrugs*.

Losing contact with Strawberry :( Was it because of the lunch we had? Sigh.

Too much to think on a Saturday morning. Can't type well with acrylic nails anyway. Heading off to bed, good 'night', me lovelies.

P.S: I'm STUMPS-FREE FOREVER! Yes, I've finally left my job at SS. Without a firm job lined up. But hallelujah! I'm glad to be seeing the last of him as my boss. *Crosses fingers for her Marina Bay Sands interview result*

Have I told you lately...

2009-08-13T16:37:00.010+08:00

~~...that I love you?~~ That I hate my boss and manager? Sigh. My manager's getting on my last nerves. The "How come you never do this do that"s whenever something happens for one fucking time, never fails to make me clench my jaw in anger. But, until I land another job with similar pay and better environment, well, y'know, onwards and sideways.

So... I guess I should talk about my Strawberry lunch yesterday. A recent regular reader of mine *cough cough* wondered 'offhandedly' what I would write on my blog. *Rolls eyes*

Well, lunch was nice.

Okay fine, so lunch was more than nice, it was great, it was hot and it was yummy, but for once in my bloody life, I do not feel like sharing. Unfortunately, I have close girlfriends who have been spoilt by me sharing anything and everything that's happening in my life - The good, the bad, the wicked, so some of them have been pressing consistently for details this time. Too bad fellas, most of you won't get more than a "Yeah, thanks for asking, lunch was great."

Not sure what to make of it yet. Not sure what he makes of it yet. We'll just have to see.

One thing for sure that's not gonna happen again is

2009-08-07T14:47:00.003+08:00

... 04:05:06, 07/08/09. Or hey, even 12:34:56pm, 07/08/09.

Lol. Passed those times by while, what, sleeping, and riding the elevator down to buy lunch?

Pfft, so anti-climatic.

My mind...

2009-08-07T00:03:00.009+08:00

Is in a mess. There has been several occurrences that I would usually write about, like the appearance of Durian Durian, my scheduled Strawberry lunch next week, problems with Stumps in the office, but I've been so crazy busy recently - What with the diligent gymming, a busy period at work, and working at the Marina Bay Sands recruitment drive(see, I didn't even mention that) last weekend.

I'd summed up all my courage to approach Dennis Andreaci, the VP for Marina Bay Sands Casino, and handed him my application form(which, to my horror, I'd later discover that it was not filled up completely). I even approached Ken, the regional SVP, to introduce myself.

While I was talking to Ken, Dennis walked over and said to Ken that I applied for a position in Marketing. Ken then turned to me and said, "Don't worry, you've got the job." When I looked at him in disbelief, he smiled, and continued. "We're all out here on the floor at this event, looking to recruit people on the spot. So when we say you've got the job? You've got the job."

It was later confirmed to me by a guy working in the HR department, that Dennis and Ken always mean what they say. I honestly believe that, but unfortunately, I also know the vicious cycle of handing down instructions from the top.

They might really want to put me on trial in Marketing as a VIP host or the Players Club Representative, but the moment they hand down my application form to a subordinate - Perhaps an AVP, perhaps a Senior Manager, whoever - by the time it goes down to the right person who will be interviewing me and deciding my fate, the message would most prolly be lost along the way.

Adam offered to discreetly mention about my application if a chance arise, and while I still have my doubts, I'm feverently hoping against all hope. I have roughly 2 more weeks of crossing my fingers to do before I know its time to give up. And with the unexpected 7000 applicants turnup for the weekend event, I probably won't hear from MBS that soon, if at all.

I still wish to update about the bits and pieces of recent events, but that would prolly be placed on the backburner until 28th August, when I go on my 17 days Australia trip. :)

'Stumps-free' for more than 2 weeks. WOOHOO... I can't wait!

Muahaha!

2009-08-06T01:18:00.003+08:00

My Big Mac (my very unoriginal nickname for my macbook) died on me this morning. It's been facing the 0 KB available error due to uncleared var/log files (which I will get to, soon) - I couldn't save any history, download any new applications, or even copy and paste wordings, and it would jam on me everytime I leave it on overnight.

So yea, it died on me earlier this morning, and refused to 'wake up'. I brought him into the office to google up on how to fix it - To no avail. I then returned home and laboured on on my niece's antique hand-me-down desktop to research on possible resuscitation procedures despite having a few drinks in my tummy after meeting up with Strawberry(yes, he has just returned from Rome Tuesday morning, managed to read my blog updates, and then tease me about it. That arse! *Grumbles* If he wasn't so god-damned hot...).

Therefore, after 3.5hours of almost undivided attention, I've managed to reset my root password in verbose and single user mode, as my own user account was somehow deleted, blah blah blah, i.e: I've fixed my Big Mac, all on my own!!!

I've been walking around the house with the macbook in one hand and another on my waist, laughing that maniacal 'MUAH-HA-HA' laughter.

MUAHAHAHA!

Yeah, I'm feeling fuckin' smug and proud of myself, because I won't have to spend god-knows how much money at the Apple 'ER' Centre tomorrow.

WOOHOO! Bow to your almighty genius that is JenxGeR!

*Blinks*

Right then, the self-congratulatory egoistic speech is over. Now that I've managed to save my Big Mac from crashing, its my turn to crash. *Yawns* I'll leave the sticky topic of Strawberry to another night... And hopefully find the time to tell you guys about Durian Durian.

:) Ta, nighty night all.

Bloody hell.

2009-07-29T23:26:00.005+08:00

Was walking through the underground to the MRT station yesterday, and I ended up walking behind a guy in a white shirt. Just about as tall, a lil more lean than you, and even the same hair colour, with bits of grey in it.

Passed him by and hmm. Even with similar accents. I kinda missed you quite badly at that very moment.

And then today, as I was riding the lift down my office building, I inevitably glanced at some man punching away on his Blackberry, - and what's with you guys saving your wives' full name in the contact list, anyway?! - apparently sending a text to his wife about the cooking time for the chicken and potatoes in the oven - He called her 'babes'.

Reminded me of him.

I know I shouldn't be typing all these, as I'm sure you'll read this one of the days after you're back from your Rome trip, but I made a pact with myself a couple of years ago - I'm done being restricted about what I can or cannot write on my blog. All I will concede to, is keep the person-in-question anonymous.

Blah, this sucks.

The one woe about losing weight

2009-07-24T11:46:00.011+08:00

Author's notes: *Gasp* Are these actually words or merely an illusion?! Yes, I'm typing my entry this time. Too fucking lazy to draw; I'm just an amateur, so those things take hours!

... Is that you'll lose your ass too.

Was out last night to No. 5 to meet up K (remember him?) whom I've not met in a couple of months, despite the mad cramps that's still killing me right now. We moved on to Howl at the Moon where he subtlely made a move on me and I was forced to reveal my mastery in tai ji and maneuvered myself out of the situation.

K is actually a nice guy; I'm comfortable hanging out with him and there's nothing in particular that I dislike, but unfortunately, I've got the vibe that he's prolly another of those wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am-ers whom I'm steering clear of.

So anyway, I went to look for Amanda at Azzucar afterwards, and I've gotten some compliments about my weight loss *Sunshine smile* but Terry said something that broke my heart.

"You look great now, but you've lost your butt. So don't lose anymore weight. Maybe you should try to gain about 1.5kg and keep it at that."

WHAT!
(Disclaimer: Terry's an angmoh, hence his judgment wasn't based on an asian's standard. I am still overweight.)

Bloody hell. I'm targetting to lose 7.5kg more/not stopping till my waist measurement returns to the 20s range, and you want me to gain some?! Most importantly, Terry pointed out my biggest regret - I DID lose my bum bum! While it's gotten a little bit more perkier, the mass has reduced by a third.

I used to be obscenely proud of my ass... Now those days are no more.

Not that I won't still hit the gym as hard as I can. My body is showing symptoms of falling apart, and exercising is the least I could do for my health.

Happy weekend, my dear blogders. Hasta la vista.

21.07.09 Lunch at "Mary's".

2009-07-23T11:35:00.000+08:00

Trying to say goodbye.

2009-07-17T20:54:00.005+08:00

It's time I learnt letting go, time to try saying goodbye, before I get more involved. I'm fine really, it only stings when he breaks out of his radio silences.

All this is getting too labourious for me... I'm about done.

Introducing... The TSB.

2009-07-14T16:07:00.001+08:00

...

2009-07-13T18:17:00.005+08:00

Author's note: Yea, I did kinda change my hairstyle - Got some bangs, tried a relatively dark brown with ash green highlights. Only it did not turn out even like what I drew - The colours are like wilting straw, and my head of hair is as flat as ever.

This strip isn't the usual 'what happened today' ones. Some of you should get what it means.

Sigh.

Concentration.

2009-07-10T11:08:00.000+08:00

MJ Tribute while gymming.

2009-07-09T14:04:00.003+08:00

A look at the day in the life of Jenx.

2009-07-08T14:03:00.003+08:00

Yes yes, I've noticed that I did not draw a chair for myself. Lazy, lah.

2009-07-07T12:13:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, Looks, Love, Life - They are just simply, overrated.

Advices for us women to live by.

2009-07-01T14:42:00.001+08:00

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2009 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember wherever there is a good looking; sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!

13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.

14. If it has Tyres or Testicles know that it's gonna give you trouble.

15. By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.

Michael Jackson is dead.

2009-06-26T09:23:00.006+08:00

WHAT.

THE.

FUCK!

Michael Jackson passed away from a cardiac attack.

I still remember the days when I was still in primary school, proud to tote around my Sony Walkman with those big ass headphones, ala the way we would show off our pagers to people before modern mobile phones were even a reality.

I still remember the 3 tapes I would listen to almost religiously - One Chang and Aska tape which belonged to my brother, and 2 Michael Jackson cassette tapes, Dangerous and Bad. I would be rewinding the tapes over and over and over and over...

Then when LD(laser discs) rolled around a few years later, I got 2 of his concerts and world tour LDs, one of which was History, and the other one, Dangerous, again. I can't recall the amount of times I have spent sitting right infront of the TV, singing along, and even crying over some of his music videos.

Next, when computers rolled along and I got my 2nd PC which actually had a Windows system, the first few videos I'd downloaded via dial-up, were Ghost and Thriller.

Throughout the years even when he was plagued by his skin disease and got thoroughly dissected by the media, I've never failed to proudly declare that I love Michael Jackson. And now... Now he's gone. A couple of months shy of his 51st. Sigh...

Rest in peace Michael... You'll forever be remembered as the king in my heart.

Still a lil shellshocked after hearing the news on the radio during my cab ride to work this morning. :(

Michael Jackson, King of Pop. August 29, 1958 - June 25, 2009.

The audacity!

2009-06-24T17:27:00.003+08:00

I've just spent over an hour arguing with 2 colleagues and 1 friend over the hotness that is Gale Harold. (Yes, I have too much time on my hands - Both my boss and manager are not around for the rest of the week.☺)

The comments varied from "Not hot lah" to "Er ok lor" to "Okay lah, quite hot". Sigh. Seriously. How can anyone doubt that my God is hot AND cute?

Tsk. The audacity. *Shakes her fist at the general public like an old granny waving her umbrella*

Family.

2009-06-22T01:52:00.007+08:00

Do you know how it is sometimes, that you wish someone was never born? Well, unfortunately for me, I have always been too nice and never wished that upon anyone. Only, today was of those days I wish I was never born.

Family. What are families for? People talk about the perfect happy family, one which started out with the white picket fence, 2.5 kids, doting parents, obedient children, happy childhood and selfless familial love.

The perfect family life is somewhat a myth for me. Going 'home' everyday after work is a torture, and I dread the days that I'm off from work but simply too tired to drag myself out of the house. So instead, I try to 'compensate' by staying out a little while longer after work, and locking myself in the room during the weekends. There is only one solution for this before I go bat shit insane - I need to move out, pronto. I just hope I would be independent enough to survive on my own.

The laughable thing is, whenever I get into a serious relationship(not that there were many, as I can only honestly count the 5 years r/s), I still fantasized about doing right by my man, then one day create a family, and be a mother my kids will be proud of. To give my own children a whole, complete family that I never had.

But you know what they say about you taking after your parents... So I guess that ideal needs a re-evaluation.

Oh by the way, to the sperm donor who helped in my creation, Happy belated fuckin Father's Day. Hope you had a good one with your happy little family in Malaysia, and thanks for creating this dysfunctional family and then leaving me in it shortly after I was born.

Mum told me you did actually fought to keep me during the divorce. Me. When I first heard about this years ago, I was relieved that you didn't manage to, because the only vivid memory I have of you as a kid, was the time you teasingly asked me to share my Gardenia bread - I said no, and you gave me a slap across the face. I can still remember how I stared off to your right side in shock, too fearful to look into your eyes, while I tried to understand why my father hit me. I can still recall how my ears rang. I was, what, barely two?

Anyway, for the first time in my life, I'd actually thought it might have been better if you did manage to get custody of me; That since you've already made a mess out of this family, the current one you've built should not be that worse off.

Hah! I can't believe I even let that thought manifest in my mind.

My life might have been shit, but I have somewhat survived it - I wouldn't give it up for a second try with a father who barely gives two hoots about me, especially when he is the one who created my living Hell.

Happy Father's Day. FUCK YOU.

Dried.

2009-06-21T02:10:00.016+08:00

I'm sitting here, staring at my laptop, trying to think of ANYthing interesting to blog about after a night of sinful dinner at 7atenine and way too many bottles of beer at Howl at the Moon while nursing a persistent hangover from yesterday.

I have come to realise that my recent excessive drinking is concurrent with the meeting of Strawberry. I mean, I admit - I do drink like a fish usually, but it used to be limited to the usual Fridays, the occasional inclusion of Saturdays, and the rare weekday that I allow myself to indulge. And 90% of the time, it's just whiskey and tequila. But now? Looking at my credit card bill, I realised I've been drinking beer and whatnot every 2 days at the very least for the past month or so. Having thus decided to limit my drinking with forbearance in consideration of my liver and 'weight loss programme', and to abstain from alcohol for the next one week, AA meetings are still unwarranted.

Strawberry actually reads my blog. And I know I shouldn't be talking about how I've been drinking more since meeting him, 'cos the hell if I'm going to let him think that this two occurrences are entirely co-related, but fuck, I reckon he already thinks so.

Anyhoo, today was the first time that he did not text me. Not that I'm surprised or particularly distressed, considering we had a sorta spat yesterday, what with him with the short end of patience after being stressed out at work, and me, frustrated over where the hell this thing is going, knowing full well that it will eventually end up nowhere. I suppose it will be a good thing if he opts to make that our final contact; I hate it that I gave him the unnecessary guilt, and lord knows, I carry enough of it for the both of us. Maybe its time to do the right thing and leave the poor guy alone. Maybe.

10 days since I last blogged. And I've been meaning to blog since 8 days ago, but unfortunately, my creative juices are all dried up. All I'm left with is... Well, moonshine, anyone?

Bedlam.

2009-06-11T16:01:00.007+08:00

Paws that claw without a pause -

I sought refuge while the black bird caws.

Scratching the surface revealing my flaws:

I have become a devil without a cause.

░

No time to linger on what once was,

I hasten to evade the pain that gnaws.

Twirling in pirouttes while the cowboy draws -

I answer my curtain call of the silent applause.

- Jennifer Lim G.S

11 June 2009.

Loving yourself.

2009-06-10T14:11:00.019+08:00

Author's note: Ugh... I'm having an awful headache + giddy spell out of the blue. This sucks.

Yan was staying over again last night, partially to keep me company because I was feeling relatively down. (Other reasons being my place is nearer to her office, and we got used to seeing each other at least once every couple of days, lol.)

So anyway, Yan's curiousity was piqued when she saw me staring off into space in the general direction of my mac screen. She came over to look over my shoulder, and saw the message I'd just typed into my Twitter/Facebook.

"People always tell me my biggest problem is that I dont't love myself enough. But I've tried. I have really tried. The problem is, no one has ever set an example."

After reading it, she went quiet. For that few seconds, I willfully continued to stare at my screen, refusing to glance back for her reaction. "What for," I thought. "She's prolly just weary of my perpetual lack of self-confidence."

I heard sounds of clothes ruffling; She was probably taking out some sleeping clothes from my closet. Just when I was about to heave a sigh of relief that she was going to drop the issue, I heard her saying quietly in Mandarin:

"It's not that there is no one who loves you. It's just that you don't believe there are."

Christ... What a vicious cycle.

(Courtesy of my niece, Jasmine)

在如此哀伤的时刻， At such moments of sorrow,
她努力回想， She labours to recall;
试着完整背出， Trying to unerringly recite,
她年少时曾热爱过的.
一首诗。 A poem
That she once feverently loved when she was young. (line 4)

- Jimmy(几米)

Had, having, and in quest, to have...

2009-06-06T01:23:00.007+08:00

... Seems to be all there is to life at times. Always about the quest to have, to own, to conquer, and then beat your chest to proclaim to the world: "I am the BEST!"

You see something you like, you want to own it. You see someone you like, you want to have him/her. You want it permanent, you want to call it YOURS. Your first impulse would certainly be NOT to share.

Unfortunately, the world doesn't work like that. Treasure the occasions where you do have things just falling into your lap, and treasure even the moments that you fought for something but it didn't last.

Treasure what goes on in your life right now that gives you joy, because nothing lasts forever.

Author's notes: I admit, this entry sounds a lil grim, but it's not being emo, lmao. Just a thought that came into mind while browsing through some of my previous entries.

Vita non est vivere sed valere vita est.

In a daze.

2009-06-02T15:31:00.010+08:00

Author's note: Yes, S. I know I mentioned him in my previous post but did not tell of how we met. Let's just say we met at Harry's last Wednesday and the rest is history.

I have been back from lunch with S for exactly one and a half hours, and I'm still dazing. When I got back in the office, I sat in the washroom and brushed my teeth for 10 whole minutes, dazing.

I moved on to some work, and I stood there staring at the newspaper articles, dazing. 10 minutes later I had to run off to one of our empty meeting rooms, sat down on the floor, leaned against the couch, dazing.

Right now I'm standing in for Sue Anne at the reception area temporarily, and I'm finding it hard to compose words at my usual speed. I'm still kind of dazing.

I'll be honest since we're all adults here(I think), there's only 2 syllabus running through my head right now -

HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT NEED NEED NEED NEED NEED.

And let me tell you this, it was just a simple lunch at Pierside and a short coffee at Starbucks. Nothing else. Bloody hell. It's like the invasion of the body snatchers and I'm turning into a pod person; I haven't been this affected in a long time. I mean, it's a whole different ball game as compared to A(whom, by the way, I heard isn't what he seemed).Well, you saw what I typed above.

Seriously. After whatever this is with S blows over(which I know it would), I am not going to know anymore new guy for the next few months. I can only take so much variants in my life!

Christ. Strawberry is very likely going to be the death of me.

Hello, Strawberry.

2009-05-28T11:56:00.016+08:00

Author's note: There was Z the serial sms-er, and now I've got S, the maniac texter. I'm weeping for my pockets in anticipation of next month's phone bills.
Oh and, what's the deal with the sudden rare congregation of gorgeous/cute/irresistably charming men recently, when I'm at my most vulnerable?! I have a hard enough time trying to not ogle Justin in the office; You're killing me, Greg O'Sullivan. Thankfully you're only here for awhile...

- Still floating amidst clouds made by bad beer, Shiraz, good company, cute smiles, sexy smirks and some of the yummiest kisses I've had in a long while... Though the ones with A was about just as yummy. -

My colleague, Tiffany, said that she couldn't keep up with the names anymore, and told me to categorise them with fruits for better referencing. LOL.

So... Hello there, Strawberry. It was nice to meet you.

Star Trek.

2009-05-26T23:32:00.009+08:00

FINALLY, I managed to catch Star Trek. For awhile I was worried I would have to ~~download~~ ehem I mean, buy the movie because it would be going off screen soon. Yay!

Now, I honestly can't say I am a hardcore Trekkie fan, but I've watched my fair share of Star Trek: Enterprise when I was younger. It was actually ST:E and Babylon 5 which inducted me into the world that is sci-fi, and made me the sci-fi geek that I am today.

I'd slowly gotten used to the cuteness that was Zachary Quinto after watching him on seasons of Heroes, so that was also the partial reason why I was so adamant on catching the movie on the big screen. He makes one good Spock; I'd dare say he overshine Chris Pine, the supposed hunk of the movie.

But... It was like watching Sylar donning on the blue Enterprise uniform, growing a pair of Vulcan ears and having a bad but totally adorable haircut. While his lack of expressions is undisputedly more endearing than David Boreanaz, it was a little disconcerting. I understand that it was necessary for the role of Spock, but at least Nimoy somewhat added that lil bit of spunk to the character. STILL, the redeeming point was that the similarities between Nimoy!Spock and Zach!Spock was pretty fascinating. I didn't really know the storyline, but the moment Nimoy appeared(can't say I recognise him anymore), I immediately knew he was the older version of Zach!Spock. Kudos.

Well, I guess I'll just have to wait till Zachary's next movie or hit TV series to really know. I'll be watching you, cutie. :D

For now, let's all go boldly where no man had gone before.

P.S: It was awesome to hear the sentence "Live long, and prosper" used again, but what happened to the exact sentence, "Beam me up, Scotty"?! It was THE rage on online forums about almost a decade ago, with everyone going either 'Over and out' or 'Beam me up, Scotty'. I still remember the smiley icon I always used. :)

P.P.S: Alright, I've just wiki-ed it. Oh well!

Jenx, the crappy serial dater.

2009-05-24T12:54:00.006+08:00

So far, there's been H, A, A2, Z, and K who have asked me out. Not considering the one I was kind of seeing late last year that stretched till January this year.

ALL of them went somewhat ka-boom after the first date, well, at least the first or second. And it wasn't like I flunked them all; In fact, I've only flunked 2! Not too sure about K, since he was fairly recent - We were out on Friday night, but judging by how he's not texted me this couple of days, I think I know. *Wry smirk*

I'm a crappy serial dater :( Too coy with some, too prudish with others. So, yeah... I'd rather go back to my old status quo of not dating much and enjoy some peace and quiet.

Jenx, the crappy serial dater - Henceforth temporarily retired.

Twittering.

2009-05-22T12:21:00.006+08:00

Yes, I've finally joined the land of the living - I'm offically one of the "Twitterers" now :D

Anyway, would I get slimed if I say I respect and agree with Dick Cheney? Most probably, but then again...

So?

TGIF in the month of Mayday mayhem.

2009-05-15T11:23:00.010+08:00

Author's note: iGoogle is freakin' awesome. One-up on Google, nil to Microsoft.

Hey A,

So... You told him "hands off" when you got me to meet up your friend, Z, during the weekend you were busy with family, aye?

And apparently, your face fell when Z joked that he had ALOT of fun that night, hinting that he hooked up with someone willing? And you went straight into a tirade, pointing your finger at him, exclaiming, "I fucking told you, hands off!" before you got cut off by him reassuring you that he was merely joking.

Well, there could still be the possibility of you feeling responsible as a friend of mine; That you did not want me to be taken advantage of, but I choose not to see it so. I reckon... You were jealous. Like a lil boy with toys - It's not actually yours to play with, but you're definitely not willing to share.

Petty jealousy, yes. But I know now that the merest hint that of me hooking up with your friend got you all flustered, if not a lil pissed. I've got your number now, loverboy. Heh.

Finally, my comeupperance after YOU got me flustered and ultimately left me hanging... And I suppose that's all I would want from you, A. I have enough problems on my plate dealing with the D issues.(Yes, he has popped back into picture. Argh.)

So I guess this is goodbye.

Jen

A rock feels no pain and an island never cries...

2009-05-11T02:53:00.004+08:00

Don't talk of love- well, I've heard the word before, it's sleeping in my memory. I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died; if I never loved I never would have cried, I am a rock, I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain and an island never cries.

No, I'm not being emo :P I just really liked the lyrics.

Clearing out the virtual spiderwebs.

2009-05-03T23:24:00.023+08:00

Author's note: I have noticed that I have a bad habit of late. I would mention about stuff like this and that, but sometimes the matter will slip my mind and I will fail to update about them in the blog.
So anyway, H is a certified asswipe just like the French Canadian guy Glenn, who volunteerily promised to contact/talk soon, but still disappears on you. *Shrugs* I was pissed off, but not hurt.
As for A, we have mutually decided it was best that we put an end to whatever it was, before things got out of hand. I truly understood that it was for the best... But I still couldn't help the niggling "What if..."

Hello my dear blogders,

Yes, your blog mistress is back after a 2 weeks' hiatus. I suppose the mundane life of an administrator would drain any creative writing juices that one might possess lol.

Anyway, I came back with an update of my life - I have decided to go back to school next year. :)

Yes, you've heard me, Jen wants to study. Amazing, innit? But I do, I really do want to. I want to be able to do something with my life besides PA/administration, and I won't be able to without a cert.

And if I need a certificate, I'll be damned if I take a course I have no interest in.

Right now, I've trimmed down the list to 5 options:

1) Diploma in Media & Design (majoring in Advertising)

2) Diploma in Theatre,

3) Diploma in Journalism,

4) Diploma in Mass Communications,

5) Specialist Diploma in Applied Psychology.

Options 1 and 2 would be a throw-up between Nanyang Academy of Fine Arts or LaSalle; Any suggestions? Diploma in Journalism will be from Beacon University which, although my greatest interest IS journalism, the 'school' in Bugis doesn't look promising, much less the cert. that I will get from it. Diploma in Mass comm. or Psychology would be from MDIS, ~~and the Dip. in Psychology will be from Raffles College~~. (I was advised against REC because the certificate would be useless as it's apparently not recognised by Singapore Psychological Society!)

Recently, I have been trudging through my life with balls and chains on my feet. More often than not, I wake up every morning asking myself, "What the fuck am I doing with my life? What the fuck am I doing at State Street?" Working as an office girl is not what I want or NEED.

It is not without trepidation for me to make this decision of going back to school. I would have to forsake a steady income for full-time studies, which will be a burden on my mum for the next 3 years. What if I fucking fail, again? I will be disappointing my mum and my friends who were always there for me despite my fuckups. AGAIN.

But I'm done with fucking up my life.

Psychology, and Criminal Justice & Legal were the first things I'd wanted so much to go into when I was growing up. Of course, that dream was shattered when I became a rebel during my teenage years and stopped caring about school, thus resulting in bad academic choices, and subsequently dropping out of NP. Afterwards, my dream evolved to studying in an US community college(I had my sight on Pasadena), and then stream into university after the first year, and major in English. There's so many subjects I am fascinated with... English, English Lit., Art History, Psychology, etc. Hell, I'll even take up Calculus if I am able to realise the dream. In brief, I'd much prefer the freedom to pick and choose whatever classes I want, just as long as I can manage the time, and have enough relative modules to credit for my major.

Alas, there was -is- this important factor that I cannot afford to overlook - Financing. My mother simply do not have the means to fund any overseas studies. I doubt my father will be willing to step up to plate.

Writing is my passion but acting and oral competence is what I feel I have a flair for. Combining these two would be a plus point for Advertising, and it will be a better choice for my career path. But like I said, taking up any of the courses would not be without trepidation, because:

i) I am quite worried about my proficiency in drawing. I'm okay with amateur sketching, but that's about it.

ii) I would be among 17 years old kids if I choose NAFA or LaSalle. *Shudders*

iii) Statistical analysis is heavy in Psychology. Business Statistics killed me in NP.

iv) Not to forget, there's also the fierce competition I will face by the time I finish my BA (hons) degree in my early 30s.
.
.
.

Christ. 30s.

I need a cigarette.

Wedding bells ring-a-ling-a-ling~

2009-04-20T00:42:00.005+08:00

Well, not mine, definitely. It's actually the Chinese wedding dinner of Mavis and Ying Quan who went through their ROM ceremony last year :D *Throws confetti*

I was kinda shocked to hear that Mavis asked me to be one of the 'sisters'; After all, we aren't very close despite knowing each other for almost 2 years. Still, I'm not going to look a gift horse in its mouth. I would LOVE to be involved in the ceremony, and I am already comtemplating the colour of the new dress I would be getting for the wedding!

However, such occasions also awakened one of my innermost secrets(well, not really, but still).

I have always, always hoped to be a maid-of-honour some day... But I've missed a couple of chances - I couldn't be the maid-of-honour for my sis-in-law(apparently because my brother's the groom), so my niece took the place, and I was only 14 when my nanny's daughter got married. Seeing that I have so many close friends who mostly already came in BFF pairings, I suppose this is one selfish lil dream that'll never come true. Oh well!

Besides, I still have the dream that every woman has but mostly denies - To get married to the man you love in a lavish and romantic setting... In spite of the animosity I have towards the male species at the moment.

Hopefully the PTB will grant me that since I'm not likely to ever be maid-of-honour in this lifetime. :P

Engagement.

2009-04-15T10:22:00.003+08:00

If someone leaves a comment on your profile, and one of the sentences says: Congratulations on the engagement!", what could it be? Can that word actually be used business-wise?

Right now, the only engagement that comes into mind is marriage. Yes, we have lost contact for slightly over a month, but considering that I've known you since last September... It makes me sick.

Dave Wood, you make me sick.

Predicament.

2009-04-13T10:49:00.008+08:00

Thursday was...

It was a relatively simple lunch date. We went to the east to have lunch and chat, parked by the ECP to smoke and chat a lil more. I heard a few revelations that caught me off guard. Pleasant ones, of course.

I never knew that the man I'd always found charmingly handsome, had found me very attractive too, not to mention attracted to me enough to actually ask me out. I also never knew just sitting next to him in the car could feel... what's that word... right.

Too many ramifications, too many things at stake. For one, will A end up like H? Will I be able to prevent my emotions from joining the fray? Sigh. I don't know.

The angel on my right shoulder has been harping on me to back off, but the persistent devil on my left shoulder has had herself perched permanently on it, whispering her words of temptation into my ear, telling me to give this a go and see where it goes, even though deep down I know - Nothing good will ever, ever come out of it.

The taste of cigarettes and taste that was uniquely you, while being enveloped in a cloud of perfumed 'Eternity' air... Well, that one's gonna stick for awhile.

Thursday was... Well, Thursday was nice. More than nice.

The dating scene...

2009-04-06T16:54:00.012+08:00

is something I don't excel at.

Yes, I might be rather efficient in keeping an intelligent conversation with men, but I'm not very experienced in dating.

I have went out on a few dinner/movie dates with a few men over the years, but I was with my ex-boyfriend for 5 years, between the glorious age of 17 - 22. I mean, my first puppy love was when I was 14 years old, and I have had a few 'boyfriends' between then whom I have barely dated. So, to actually go out with someone who's neither a girlfriend nor my boyfriend, and as an adult?

No, I'm not that experienced at all.

Remember my previous post about going for a drink/casual date with a guy? Well, that went splat. I am still trying not to wince at some bad decisions made... *Grimaces* Moving oonnnnn.

I have another lunch date set for this Thursday, where I happened to have taken the afternoon off in anticipation of my dear Li Ting's birthday celebration at Orchard Scotts Residences.

(HAPPY 24TH TING!!! I'll join you in 24th-dom in October, lol.)

I've always found... (Let's call him L.) L handsome, confident yet humble, and charming... Have I mentioned I have a thing (one of many) for men who look sharpish in an executive suit? *Sigh* Well, he used to be the topic of conversations and countless fantasies, but now he will actually be picking me up for lunch.

Of course, it might just be a simple lunch and all possibilities; the what-ifs and could-it-be?! are purely allegations cooked up by my overactive mind, but there's too many factors at stake in this simple lunch date that I'm not at liberty to reveal yet.

Well then, let just see how it goes... *Crosses fingers*

OH! And on an completely unrelated sidenote, anyone knows where to get chio 3.5inch/4inch sandals or pumps that can come in size 9? My ridiculously tall heels have all went to chio shoes heaven. :(

The Bank of England Protest.

2009-04-02T15:19:00.007+08:00

I passed the TV by earlier on, and CNA was doing a report on G20 protesters.

There were boards saying 'Eat the Bankers!' and banker-esque manequins(black pinstripe suit with tie and white shirt, etc) being tied to the traffic lights and set on fire. I even read that earlier protesters marched behind models of the 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse', representing financial crimes, war, climate change and homelessness.

Gotta love the English.

While I do believe that most 'well organised' protests(more like protests that have huge turnouts and went out of hand, making international news) are somewhat effective in getting the message across and garnering public's attention, I can't help but feel that the riot police's style of handling the situation was only inflaming the protesters.

Just like the basic theory of chemistry - When you squeeze a cluster of molecules into an enclosed space, the structure hardens. I'm sure that of the protesters that were present, there's bound be some who were purely 'spectators'. Enveloping them within police walls only forced the people to act out as one single entity, especially with the media there to aggravate the situation.

Oh well. The G20 summit will prove to be very interesting, though I doubt much will come out of this much-anticipated chaos.

It was fun but...

2009-03-27T14:53:00.009+08:00

What's next, now? My mind is running through with a million and one scenarios.

Of course, there could be worse outcomes... But I certainly do not want to become your fubu.

I can't keep doing such things to myself or I'll slowly die inside(if my stupidity doesn't cause my death first).

I want to stay in my protective bubble - thank you very much- believing that one day, one day I can find someone who wants me. Who loves me. Who honestly wants to be with me. Not the constant flow of psychos and men who want to go wham bam thank you Jen!, and I end up becoming a men-hating cat lady living in a one-room flat in Toa Payoh, 30+ years down the road.

It has to be all or nothing, and despite how nice it would be, I know you can't and won't be the one giving it to me. Oh well.

Et ne nos inducas in tentationem, sed libera nos a malo.

2009-03-26T11:37:00.004+08:00

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.

I was struck by temporary girlish giddiness by a friend I met up with last night, when the high was abruptly ceased when thoughts of D came into mind.

A wave of guilt washed over me, the small voice in my head telling me that I should be grieving over the 'loss' of D, before I chastised myself for feeling so - We are nothing more than friends who've tried with good efforts to maintain contact over the Net, being continents apart.

Yes, I've figured that our spark has finally fizzled out - We've not contacted since late February beside the odd emails here and there. I guess it is time to lay this feelings to rest; No point to desperately choke its throat for the final few gasping breaths.

Not that this guy, H, (whom I've met from Facebook) would be it or something, I must say. Men that hot are not meant for women like me - All that could happen between is most prolly a good roll in the hay, and then it's thanks and see ya!

I suppose that's fine with me. I'm numb about the pros and cons of pure fun vis-a-vis relationships and I've dealt with the fact that my life is not like Gigi's(Ginnifer Goodwin, from He's Just Not That Into You) - I will never be the exception to the rule! Doom and gloom as always, I know... But I'm blaming it on my hormones.

Fate has flipped the coin for me, and I shall but wait.

It's the end of the world as I know it.

2009-03-16T16:25:00.005+08:00

There was a shift in seating placements for the IMO department next to my colleagues, leaving about 4-5 desks free.

While most of the desks' locations are still alright, with one particularly succilent one tucked in the corner, there is also one that is directly infront of my manager - Also the nearest available one to our boss - where the ex-executive assistant used to sit.

Seeing that I'm not exactly in my manager and boss' favour, it goes to say that I won't be getting the little corner of heaven. I'm just feverently hoping against odds that I won't genna the 'hot' seat. I am even hoping that they are thinking of employing another executive assistant when the headcount freeze is over, so that they will leave that workstation open.

Sitting in that area would already be a terror in itself - Though I haven't been late in the recent months, every minute past 0900hours that I slip in into the office, and every minute of me doing absolutely nothing because there's no work to be done, will be noticed.

I can't surf the Net because Tiffany took away the privacy screen that was on the console(it costs about $170+ per piece, so ordering a new one won't go unnoticed), and frankly, sitting near your bosses will never amount to any good. (Right now I'm seated allllll the way at the other side of the office diagon-)

Just got back to my desk. Some bloody colleague whose brains aren't working today, decided it was fun to fucking joke around with me when I directed her to the bigger utility room in our office, but she kept on going into the other utility room which was not even half the size. "是那个有很多打印机的那个吗？Is it the room with alot of printers?" FUCK. She is China-Chinese and she looked smart, but I guess I was wrong. UTILITY ROOMS ARE ALL FILLED WITH PRINTERS. Which part of bigger utility room don't you get YOU FUCKING DUMBSHIT?! Made me walked all the way there, guided her every fucking step of the way and opened the cabinet with the calculators for her like she was a fucking baby, as if she haven't been in the company for so much longer than I did.

FUCK.

To say I'm in a pissy mood today is an understatement. Months back, I went on a job hunt, because I was sick of having to see the mug of Office Admin.'s manager - I still am. However, I have learnt to more or less tolerate it.

A couple of months back, I was worried that I would get retrenched, so I resumed my job hunt.
I have thus laxed on the job hunt ever since the retrenchment exercise is over, but I was demoralised when I heard that I won't be getting any fucking bonus for 2008. JUST ME. Bloody fuckin' piece of shit.

If I DO get seated at the one fucking workstation I HATE, I am getting out of this shithole by the end of the 2nd quarter - With or without another fuckin' job.

Hopefully, a year of anticipations...

2009-03-03T10:27:00.009+08:00

Do you know what this picture means?

It means, I CAN PLAY MY GUITAR NOW! Well yeah, I've always had the option of just cutting my fingernails and play my god-damn guitar, but I've finally did it yesterday. It's about time to brush the dust off my Artemis.

Anyway...

Yes. Fina-fucking-lly.

The problem is, I'd only heard about the Amway trip to Las Vegas after the registration was closed, because, as my upline told me, "'Cos this trip will be abit expensive... So it's more for those who really want to learn. If not waste money.'"

I was a little pissed off hearing that... Yes I know, I haven't been to class - But that doesn't mean I intend to stop buying products or that I would learn shit from the trip just because I've stopped going to class. The leaders' teachings are inspirational and it always makes me feel more hopeful about my future. I might have shelved my Amway ambitions for the moment, but I'm not about to give it up totally. If not, why the fuck did I renew my membership when I've stopped going to class?!

I hate it when there's new stuff and I hear nuts about it from my upline aka longtime friend. What harm is there to update me once in awhile instead of dropping off the face of the earth and totally losing contact until recently? Do you know how I felt during the month plus that we went totally incommunicado, when our offices are just opposite one another?

I know I'm selfish and self-centered to let this flatulent anger boil within me, but, all I want is to feel like I'm really a 'baobei'.

Anywayyyyy. I've decided. If registrations are indeed closed and they can't squeeze my name in, or they feel that I might not appreciate this opportunity(mind you, we are paying our own way, but nonetheless), I'll still be making my way down to US, even if it's not to attend the seminar that I was looking forward to.

*Takes a deep calming breath, and cools down*

I'm going, with or without the class, and that's final.

Author's update, later into the day: Hmm. Apparently, one would need to attend every single class till we set off for Vegas, to qualify for going. I suppose I would have been alright if I was told when the schedule first came out; I would have seriously considered making the effort to go to every single class but... Now, hearing it like that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. So what about the new friends who would want to attend? *Shrugs* I guess I'll be braving U.S of A on my lonesome.

Being Jennifer Lim.

2009-03-02T11:55:00.017+08:00

Today is another of those days at work that I sadly have absolutely nothing to do, so there I was earlier on, sitting at the reception area chatting idly to my colleague.

Our newspaper vendor's despatch was there, delivering a copy of the Financial News that was apparently missing from our usual order. During the lull in my prattle about nothing and everything, I'd absentmindly watch the despatch guy wait for the lift in the lift lobby, before walking into one with a distinct limp.

That was when I realised, hey, I'm pretty fortunate. Yeah, so what if I'm not that pretty? I mean, to some, yes, I might be beautiful, but to most, I'm categorised somewhere in the middle, which is made obvious when I'm around my gorgeous girlfriends.

I have Ying, Amanda, Jeannette, Suyi, and Yuqi who recently joined the fold. Within this 2 groups of girlfriends, they have the market on Hot, Sexy, Gorgeous, Beautiful, and Cute, cornered. I was, and am, always the one that guys' glances often passed over on, to which I suppose is because I'm somewhat neither here nor there of what they look for in a woman. *Shrugs*

The amount of guys that hit on me in a year can be easily counted with 1 hand, and perhaps with another hand if I get lucky, while that amount can be easily beat by most of my gfs within, say, a few months? Some of them still look upon me as the 'guru', but I don't think I deserve that title. I've just been in the scene longer than they did, that's all. Frankly, it's more likely that I'm living my life vicariously through them now, what with the multitude of new men they meet every week.

So what if I get passed over for my girlfriends 80% of the time, even though hanging out with my girls are the only times I get to meet new guys/friends? So what if men that I knew first, now prefer the company of my gfs that I've introduced them to? I might be 'ill-fated' to have gorgeous girlfriends, but I honestly can't complain. They are dear to me, and I'm glad they have the attention they get. They deserve it.

Anyway, my point is - I've came to realise today that, I'm not exactly a troll myself. Moreover, I don't have any physical or mental disabilities that plague some unfortunate souls. Why should I be complaining? I'm still a lil taken aback at this realisation that I shouldn't have felt competitive or undermined; To actually feel contented to being just me, even if this feeling lasts only one day... It ain't half-bad. *Grins*

This is me - The tall but not-as-tall, volumptuous but not-so-slim, pretty but not-as-beautiful, interesting but not-as-fun Jennifer Lim.

And I'm pretty alright with that. ;)

A lil photo survey

2009-02-25T16:41:00.007+08:00

Found this interesting photo survey blog online, and I decided to give it a try. After all, it's not healthy to fill my blog entries with emotional outbursts. Lol.

- Anyway guys, I'm feeling better. I was just experiencing one of my depression bouts. -

1) Answer the questions below.
2) Take each answer and type it into Photobucket (http://www.photobucket.com/, search the images).
3) Take a picture from the first page of results copy the html code(preferably the first picture you see, so it'll be more fun!).
4) It might take awhile to complete this(I've got allll the time I need, at least for the remaining of this week.).

1) Your name: Jennifer

If only that's really me... Pfft.

2) Your favourite T.V. show(TOUGH!!!): I guess its 'Queer as Folk' right now.

3) Your favourite place: Er, I couldn't think of a specific place actually. So I went with, Somewhere where I'm safe and wanted.

0_o.

4) Name your car:

Heh. Geddit? Geddit?! Am I like, a genius or what! That's sooo funny right??

Ok. So I'm in a lame-ass crap mode today. Bite me.

5) Your favourite sport: Basketball (I have more knowledge about football, and I'm a loyal NUFC fan, but I choose basketball since it's a close second favourite, and something I would play.)

6) Your hair colour: Right now, its faded to Light Brown.

7) Your favourite colour: Blue.

8) Your favourite drink: You're shitting me?! This is tough shit. Um, Maccallan Single Malt.

9) Your favourite season: Season of Love... LOL nah, Winter.

10) Name of your pet: How about this... the name of my last pet - Ophelia.

Yes, I named my dog after a crazy woman character from Shakespeare. *Shrugs*

11) Name of your love: None right now... But to recall the last one(of sorts), Dave. Though I'm not sure if I should call it love. Bah oh well.

Mehhh, the Dave I know is so much cuter. :P

12) Your middle name: Danger is my middle name. Hahaha.

Emo is so unbecoming. *Guffaws at her lame self-poke*

13) Your favourite food: Sashimi

14) A bad habit of yours: Laziness.

I'm not as bad. I think.

15) Your biggest fears: Let's go for physical objects... Bugs.

Pretty accurate, actually. Even butterflies. *Brr*

16) Your favourite store: Louis Vuitton.

Well... The question wasn't exactly 'My favourite store to shop at', innit?

17) Your favourite book: I read far too many books to have a favourite. I'll stick to my childhood favourite, Little Women.

Just in case you were wondering, these girls were dressed as Jo, Meg and Beth.

18) Your weakness: Right now I guess it's Gale Harold (Sorry James Marsters, just letting him have the spotlight for now!)

<3

19) Name of your favourite cartoon character: Courage the cowardly dog!

20) Your favourite non-alcoholic drink: Soya milk I think.

Mmm! It goes best like this!

Alrighty then, there you go, my 20 questions photo survey. Most of the pictures were the first one in the row of search results, but there were a few that I chose within page 1 as the picture really had no connection to my searched item.

I did this because my friends were sick of reading emo posts, so for whatever reasons you might want to try this for, do it. It could be pretty fun to scan through the search results.

I hate being helpless.

2009-02-21T16:36:00.004+08:00

Friends who know me, or even just read the status messages on my Facebook account, would now get an answer to their question - "Why so emo?!" *Wry grin*

Not wanting to go into details, but let's just say I never had a good childhood growing up, I wished I had a father to love me, and I wished I did not remember vividly how wounds could scar you both mentally and physically.

But I pulled through it. At first, I cheated by putting up a front, which was strong as an iron cast, and somehow along the way I did managed to be strong. If not for myself, then for my family and handful of friends who cares but somehow not that enough for me to dare to offload my burdens and insecurities onto them.

I still have my little outbursts that I could not help. You know those little wooden, hollow birdies that catches water dripping from a source above, and when they are full, they would tip to one side to deposit the collected water? I feel like one of those, needing to have an outlet to deposit all that burden, except that everytime I come back up, I'm still half-filled with water.

I've never been a very good friend. When I was younger, I remembered giving up my last dollar just to make my friends happy, as I did not know what it took to let them know I cared, thus I did it with money and being there as much as I could. Nobody taught me how to be a caring, good friend, because I have never had one, not for a very, very long time.

Alas, time lapsed, and I inevitably grew jaded and cynical, and I thought, "Jen, other people do this more competently than you do. You're nobody's best friend. You're just a good friend, you're just there. You're just not made for this shit. So why bother so hard and make yourself miserable?" The damage was done.

Besides, flattering words were, no, ARE something that always have been a problem getting past my lips. If they weren't deserved, I couldn't force myself to dole it out. Human beings would always prefer verbal assurance of friendship and loyalty, and I guess I do too, but I just couldn't do that. I mean, I would try to express with a hug and physical touch, but since when was that ever enough? I suppose that's the consequences you would have to face, when you are too fucking chicken to choke the words out, for fear that they would get thrown back in your face.

For if that happens, that would be the proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back. And I'm too much of a coward to be able to stand that, even when I see my friends preferring others over me. I'm still in the group, sorta, but not really.

I'm standing on the sidelines, occasionally trying to step into the spotlight, with a well-placed self-derogatory poke at my own expense, or, hah, trying to be the all-knowing One, just so that, my friends might look upon me with a little more respect, a little more awe, earning a little more placement in their hearts. Nonetheless though, the slightest self-doubt would have me scurrying back into the shadows. Even so, I'm not even ready to let go of that slight comfort that I still have a line to toe about.

That's when I decided that I would still try, but nothing's going to make me try as hard anymore. I looked at everything through reinforced glass coating my eyes and my heart, and I tried not to let them get in that easily.

But sometimes, all it took for an impenetrable fort to fall, is the tiniest, unexpected peg taken to it. It would start off with a small chip in the wall that you would ignore, but the cracks would soon spread through out the walls, and before you know it, they fall, and your emotions are not longer safe.

I still try. I still try, because, no matter how cynical I am about life, I'm still a human being, deep down to the core. I don't want to feel lonely. I'm afraid of being lonely. I am lonely. I don't know what to do with this loneliness. I'm scared. And it's this innate fear that had me struggling to float to the surface to take a life-enforcing breath, to not collapse when a weaker version of me would have given up years ago. I'm determined to not sink and drown.

Not yet.

I wish I could be at peace. I wish I can write happy poems, and painless thoughts, for once. I wish, I wish I did not have this capacity to feel so so much for people and everything around me. I wish, that I can truly have someone who loves me because I'm me, not because I'm so-and-so's friend, or because I am willing to do something for them. I wish I was someone's closest and best friend, not in the whole wide world, but at least in the group; I thought I had that for awhile, but I got replaced since last month. I deserved it, though.

I wish I can find someone who loves Jennifer Lim, just because. But then again, who can? It will be so much work, trying to break through my walls and insecurities. Even if or when they do, the results wouldn't be rewarding. Any slightest shit will get my hackles up again, and it just would not be worth the efforts.

I wish I knew for sure who I really am inside. Sometimes I feel I've turned so vile that I'm afraid to psychoanalyze myself. I just feel like I'm slowly stripped of my identity and I'm not sure if I have any idea what I have become.

I hope I would not have to hate myself if I manage to discover that one day. Because if that happens, I would truly have no one.

I hate being helpless, but that's what I am right now. I'm scared, I'm scared shitless.

A little idea...

2009-02-04T11:26:00.001+08:00

~~~When you can dream, then you can start
A dream is a wish you make with your heart~~~

In his dreams, it was always night-time; The alleys surrounding Libido were lit dimly with the half crescent moon reflected off the water puddles, and he would be alone, immersed in a sea of people who were zipping by and conversing with words that did not make sense.

He would always wake up in the morning feeling disorientated, recalling something about a night out at the club, a weird sense of déjà vu, and oddly, a lamppost.

---

Walking down the final steps of the club, with the muffled thumpa thumpa music emitting through the heavy curtain drapes behind him, Gale Beaufort heaved a put upon sigh - Another dull night filled with nobodies who gyrated their bodies, glistering with sweat, to the heavy beat of the dance music. There wasn't even a single good catch in sight.

Shrugging on a Hugo Boss butter soft black leather jacket over his sleeveless grey v-neck jersey, Gale crushed out his cigarette under a pair of Prada boots. It was early March, and while he was appreciative of the thawing winter in this God-forsaken place called Pittsburgh, it was still as cold as a witches tit at night.

Sauntering over to his Jeep, Gale gave the streets a cursory scan and a niggling feeling began in the pit of his stomach when his hazel eyes were unwittingly drawn to the lone streetlight across the road that had been the recurring star of his recent dreams.

Emptinesshurtregretlonging

Nearly doubling over in physical pain from the rush of emotions, Gale blanched and tightened his grip on the Jeep's door handle. Taking a moment, he swallowed hard, mouth dry and a bitter, medicine-like taste at the back of his throat. Gale forced himself to shake it off.

"I really need to cut back on the shit that my fucked up disco pharmacologist has been 'prescribing' me," Gale muttered. "And stop talking to myself."

A pause. Gale chuckled at the irony of his latter sentence as he got into his black Jeep Wrangler and revved up the engine. With a wry smile and freshly lit cigarette on his lips, Gale peeled off into the night, leaving behind his little kingdom that is known as, Freedom Boulevard.

I have no idea why, but this 'prologue' just hit me on Monday morning, and had me scrambling for a piece of paper to write it down. I took that paper home and transferred it onto a pocket-sized Hello Kitty notebook, LOL. Moleskine journal for dear ol' Jenx, anyone?

End results were scribblings of unrelated sentences, thoughts, and even names. However, it still puzzled me why I was struck by 'inspiration'. I suppose its the mauldin and lackluster lifestyle that I have been leading recently that had Life coming over to kick me in the arse and demanding me to do something about it.

After dawdling for 2 days, and with LOTS of trepidation, I decided to post this on my blog. There's many reasons why I was uncertain, and one major reason is that I have been encouraged by a few friends to write a story, or dare I say it, a novel, and I was afraid that posting this would decimate all hopes of their bizarre concept that I could actually write.

The other important reason is that, where do I go from here? Thriller? Romance? Drama? Sci-fi? Suspence? Hetero? Homo? Herein lies the problem. My little prologue isn't even long enough - I want it to be at least 2.5 pages on a standard paperback, but so far it's looking to be barely 2 pages. So many ideas are milling through my mind but I am unable to grasp onto one and run with it. Thus, without it, I am unable to expand on my prologue and story.

Is the prologue too short? Boring? Unexceptional? Full of errors? Comments or suggestions will be greatly appreciated. Sigh. Right then, off to lunch. Just be kind and leave me some shreds of dignity, thanks. :P

Let the festivities begin!

2009-01-25T13:36:00.005+08:00

I got assigned to the duty of going to the NTUC hypermart for crabs and other supplies this morning.

I should have had the foresight to wear my wararmour. Brr.

Anyway, 'tho I grumbled and griped about having to wake up early this morning, the foray to the supermart and wet market was a fortifying and educating trip. It somewhat gave me a glimpse into my future as domestic goddess, and it surprisingly wasn't half-bad, though on a grim note, I am not sure when or if I will ever get the chance of domestication.

CNY 2009 is my 本命年... I can't believe this is my 2nd cycle of the Chinese Zodiac. *Moans* GAWD I FEEL SO OLD!

Soooo anyway, here's to wishing all my blogders a prosperous, peaceful and wonderous New Year filled with happiness and joy!

祝你新年快乐万事如意
牛年吉祥, 恭喜發財!

A passing thought.

2009-01-23T15:30:00.007+08:00

Had, having, and in quest, to have...

Is that all there is to life?

.
.
.

On a sidenote, shortly after I had this 2 sentences blog entry composed in my mind, something unexpectedly happened.

A friend of mine that I had not seen since before my birthday last year, came up to my office to pass me a gift. Do you know when the non-festive, non-birthday last present/gift I received was?

Jan/Feb 2008.

It was a delicate box of Canelé chocolate as thanks from a VP from AIA when I helped him with his policy. At least that had a reason. But, but now, I got this...

He did not even want me to come out and thank him personally; He was exiting through the glass doors when I walked into our reception area.

While the watch is not a luxury brand, the amount it cost (I went to check it out, lol) is still nothing to sneeze at, for a gift that had no apparent reasons. It's sweet... But sadly, this isn't going to be a whirlwind of courtship that ends up happily ever after - I never had any feelings for him, and I probably never will. He is well to do, and nice, I guess, bringing me to pretty fancy restaurants for the few rare times we've met up, but he is much too busy and... Totally not my type.

It brought a small smile to my lips nonetheless. Maybe this year won't be as bad as last year was.

One can only hope.

SICK.

2009-01-18T03:18:00.002+08:00

I don't know who I am anymore. Why am I doing this shit. When I should have left that fucked up lifestyle behind me years ago.

I club. I party like HELL. I drink like a fucking fish. But do I really like it? Is Clarke Quay seriously my 1st/2nd home you guys always thought it is to me?

NO.

I only go there because that's the only place I feel safe. Wanted. Known. Recognised. Not fucking lonely. Where I can lose myself to the thumpa thumpa music and alcohol. Forget the shit for a few hours.

I'm fucked up. Jenx is 1 fucked up piece of mental case. I need to drag myself out of this fucking shit.

I just hope I hadn't lost myself so much that I can't find me again.

Just a lil blast from the past.

2009-01-03T23:50:00.006+08:00

I've been trying to clean up my room in preparation for the upcoming Chinese New Year, and guess what I found? :) My errant 'latest' diary, with the last entry dated 3rd November 2006.

And to think - The journal begun on 3rd January 2003. Guess I was really moving on after 8 years of keeping journals.

I read through the book, and was grateful for the way I matured; No more 'lahz', 'liaox', 'siao bo' and the multitudes of hokkien slangs dotted into my entries as the years went on. And my grammar! Brrr. I would have been thrown into jail with life sentence if the grammar police had came a-knocking.

Not to mention, Melvin dominated my EVERY entry... Sigh. I'm just glad that painful chapter of my life had came to a close, though honestly, ghosts of the past still come to haunt me in my dreams ever so often.

Yes... Though he's no longer haunting my thoughts, my brains decided to play pranks on me by making me dream of us patching up and getting back together, though the dreams would not be perfect; His 'assholeiness' will shine through in every episode.

I have NO idea why that happens; Melvin barely appears in my thoughts nowadays, what with me having my own distractions *cough*. I mean, yes, I guess I still love him, if but just a little. I suppose my heart will always have a tender spot for Mel, but I'm no longer in love with him anymore. I don't think I ever will. I mean, there's only so much crap you can take from a guy and his family, right?

Maybe its because of how lonely I've been feeling, and my subconscious is trying to let me fall back on past memories of when I at least had someone by my side. I'm just glad the dreams are mostly just a monthly occurrence, and that my journal ended with something that was NOT about him for once.

03/11/06

12.37am

Flitting through the night,

I dance to unheard music.

Envy me not; I cavort alone with my shadows.

Bedlam, distraught.

The noises in my head are causing an uproar.

Don't give me songs; Give me something to sing about.

Jennifer

12.50am

A new year.

2008-12-31T20:59:00.005+08:00

T minus 3 hours to an entirely new year.

I did something out of character by cracking open my bottle of vodka and starting early with the festivities. Don't get me wrong; You know I drink like a fish, but when in the warm cocoon of my own room, I usually prefer to crack open a bottle of beer or indulge in a glass or two of red wine from my collection instead.

I guess the last day of every year is almost a mandatory moment for you to reminisce about what's happened in the past 364 days, and what lies ahead in the coming 365 days, but as I stood in the kitchen sipping my little cocktail 5 minutes ago, I pursed my lips and came up with nothing.

Maybe I've gotten lazy and refused to think, but I do know this - Life is not for indulging too long a time in contemplating... Life is not bliss, life is just this.

I know what I want. I know what I must do to get what I want. I remember all the fucked up shit that have happened to me in the past year, so DAMN if I allow them to happen again.

No pompous resolutions with illusion of grandeur this year, no bullshit, no promises that prolly couldn't be realised - It all sounds a little self-indulgent, self-derogatory, debased, but I suppose this is what Jennifer Lim has evolved into. :)

No excuses.

No apologies.

No regrets.

Happy 2009 matey, yo ho~!

2008-12-16T09:59:00.010+08:00

I get that... Sigh.

But well, all I can say is:

Loneliness has a way of creeping up on people, slowly but surely winding its vines around - constricting, suffocating, choking the life out of us.

In this instance, it has left such a gaping hole inside me, that every breeze generated by the slighest movement, felt like a hurricane swept through the core of my body. The stress from work did not make things better.

In sooth, I need to admit while this 'loneliness' depicted mainly of my status quo of a love life for the past 15 months(albeit having a few colourful characters thrown into it - Rodney the Rotten, "Backstreet Boy", the "2 apples I had at one go", D, King I., etc etc) it was also because of my apparent detachment from the world. I've always tried so hard to belong, but I could never quite fit in... The more I tried, the more I felt like the sore thumb that stood out.

People always tell me, "Don't look. It always hits you when you're not looking."

My dears, don't you understand? I haven't been looking. To be honest, all I have been looking for recently, was spots of fun; Carpe diem, c'est la vie and all that crap while hanging on to bits of sensitivity and decorum.

It wasn't until I met D that I thought, "Hey, insouciant and vivacious as this is, there could be more to this life that I'm leading."

When he left, my flicker of hope went along with him. The flames would flare and reflect in my eyes everytime we chat, but just as surely enough that my deep affections for him would never cease to be, my tiny sparkle of hope is sputtering to its end.

For now, I'm contended with fading into the woodworks. For now...

Breathe

Swish, splash, hush.
I plunged into the icy pool without a roar.
I tried to rub my arms for warmth,
But my skin was scruffed raw.

This pain,
It claws –
At my heart, my guts, my throat.
I can’t breathe.

Gnaw, slash, rip.
In all my vainglory, I am torpid inside.
A votary of destiny,
Its brusque decision had me pliant.

My struggle to fight deliquesced;
Life has placed a malediction on me.
Just leave me alone to lick my wounds –
I need to cleanse my soul.

I can’t breathe.

- Jennifer Lim
June 2006, edited December 2008.

This brave little soldier is trudging on.

2008-12-03T00:02:00.005+08:00

So what if he's disappearing from your life? You're used to such things. You're made of stronger stuff. You can do this.

March on little soldier.

Decaf.

2008-11-25T10:22:00.004+08:00

Trying to delude yourself with a decaffeinated hazelnut latte at 7.45am in the office would only serve to do 2 things:

1) Lead your paranoid, exhausted body into experiencing all the nauseousness, giddiness and stomachache even when there's no caffeine(in short, your body going neh neh ni boo boo),

2) you still feel as fucking tired.

Online retail therapy.

2008-11-24T01:22:00.012+08:00

I just got my cheapo Citibank credit card in the mail yesterday, and I put it to good use today by shopping at Victoria's Secret.

Nothing beats retail therapy while sitting right smack on your butt while browsing through everything they've got, hours after hours.

But then again, THIS will beat it all:

Merchandise Subtotal $278.50
Shipping/Handling $56.99
Special Offer – $75.00
Taxable Subtotal $260.49
Sales Tax $0.00
Order Subtotal $260.49
ORDER TOTAL
$ 260.49
Purchases made by Ying and me :)

$75USD tier discount. Oh and don't forget the gifts with purchase ;) Thank goodness I thought to check online. Turns out, there's practically a whole community/forum of women sharing offer codes and exchanging tips... I've yet to master the skills of stacking codes! Oh well. I forgot to buy my bikinis, so I'll prolly brush up my skills during the next retail therapy. *Wide grin*

HALLUJAH!

I just needed to rant...

2008-11-19T14:18:00.010+08:00

on Barack Hussein Obama.

Again, I state, I am NOT American, I am NOT white, I am NOT a racist. I mean, what's with the indirect messages of being deemed as racist if you don't vote for Obama, just because you don't agree with his vision of U.S.A?

I mean, what's with the fanatic Obama followers that went, "You didn't vote for Obama? YOU FUCKING RACIST!" And hello, 'Civilian Security Force'?! How about Gestapo? Ring a bell? Or the uniformed people who followed Louis Farrakhan around? Am I going to be thrashed for saying Obama reminds me of Louis Farrakhan, - albeit with more charisma - a 'Black Hitler', and displaying symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

If, a bunch of civilians, - uniformed AND uninformed - are empowered under this force that Obama aspires to set up, what do you THINK is going to happen?

It is not really democracy anymore. It's socialism. I don't know how you feel about it, but I sure don't like it. Oh, there's going to be CHANGES, alright. I'm just not sure if it's any good.

I know there's no point for someone who's not even American to be ranting about such stuff after the election is over. Yes yes, I KNOW, the election is OVER, the world now just has to DEAL and await with bated breath to see just which promises would BHO realise.

The good, the bad, the world-changing decisions. Oh boy. Fun.

Yes, amidst all the YAY OBAMA, Obama-rama, cult of Obi-wan Obama, I'm making a stand - McCain fanatic I am not. Obama basher? That I am. =]

Narcissistic Personality Disorder(According to professionals, you'll just need 5 of the symptoms to be diagnosed with NPD):

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements). - What HAS Obama achieved in his political career so far, besides becoming POTUS?

(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love. - It is everywhere in his speech, don't tell me you didn't notice.

(3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people(or institutions). - See above, and also think about Obama's inner circle of high-profile friends.

(4) requires excessive admiration. - See (2) & (3).

(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations. - No? Go Google Obama's speeches after his failed Philadelphia debate.

(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends. - "Hey, anybody knows where Jeremiah Wright is now?" So much so for inspiring Obama, huh.

(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others. - Have you listened to his opinion on living babies who survived abortion?

(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her. - Okay, this I've not exactly noticed yet. But look at Obama's campaign ads of showing McCain's homes; He casted McCain's wealth in the bad light just because McCain managed to freaking earned those money.

(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes. - I'm thinking... Self-evident. Think about the biblical and messiah references. "My hour is almost here." Then again... He was raised on muslim faith. Hmm.

Arguably at least 7 points out of 9. Point.

(NPD argument inspired and partially adapted from abovetopsecret.)

... He enforces discipline, adherence to his teachings, and common goals. The less accomplished he is in reality – the more stringent his mastery and the more pervasive the brainwashing.

Mat Gordon

2008-11-17T10:04:00.008+08:00

I was out with my friend Samuel last Saturday evening for a movie and dinner, and when we were chattering quietly to each other while waiting for Madagascar 2 to start(which is a really good show, go watch it!), one commercial came on and I was like... :O

*Cues jaw dropping and drool collecting at corner of mouth.*

Mat Gordon in the Paco Rabanne's 1 Million commercial.

Excuse me if I am being a 'mountain turtle', but it was the first time I saw a model having dialogues(albeit he kinda muttered) AND dance moves in a branded product's ad. Usually they just prance around half-naked or lie entangled with some other anorexic pretty models.

I know, poorly captured screenshot, so shoot me!

And he's hot. HOT LIKE HELL. I literally tuned my friend out while I stared at the screen mesmerised. What to do? Told ya I have a thing for tall skinny men.

It might be the fact that all my perfume have been used up and I need to get a new bottle, but I must say the power of advertisement has hit me hard this time 'round, for the first time ever.

I WANT a Paco Rabanne perfume!

*Whimpers* Mama like!

Oi. Looks eeriely like Tom Cruise, lor!

P.S: Oh, I've just realised he didn't speak. Funny that I thought he did. *Shrugs* So here's the commercial. Enjoy ;)

Wtf?! Why am I getting plagurised?

2008-11-10T23:19:00.009+08:00

Alright, first of all I had Stephanie who copied part of my About Me on the right hand side here, and used it as her MSN nickname last month.

"I may appear headstrong & stubborn, but its only to
protect myself."

Trust me, it's mine. I've had it there since as long as this blog existed. It wasn't even a good quote or whatever; I would have edited the whole thing if blogspot lets me. (Some html errors - I gave up.)

When I asked her about it, she tried to brush it off as coincidence even though it was word for word, down to the '&' I used.

Then now this?!

I'm not about to do free advertising for someone who plagurised me.

So, what, do I have to ™ every single thing I write now?! WTF!

- JenxGeR™

2008-11-10T00:52:00.005+08:00

Like as the waves make towards the pebbled shore,
So do our minutes hasten to their end;
Each changing place with that which goes before,
In sequent toil all forwards do contend.
Nativity, once in the main of light,
Crawls to maturity, wherewith being crown'd,
Crooked eclipses 'gainst his glory fight,
And Time that gave doth now his gift confound.
Time doth transfix the flourish set on youth
And delves the parallels in beauty's brow,
Feeds on the rarities of nature's truth,
And nothing stands but for his scythe to mow:
And yet to times in hope, my verse shall stand
Praising thy worth, despite his cruel hand.

- William Shakespeare, Sonnet 60.

The new history is set in stone.

2008-11-05T10:49:00.021+08:00

Barack Hussein Obama - Senator for 4 years, ran for presidency for half of that.

Not that I have anything against Obama, if at all, but I just feel that John McCain would make for a MUCH better president. Even if his choice of vice president is questionable.

I just feel that the current America is not ready for a black President yet. I worry that there will still be people unhappy with a 'Black' President, thus making the racism problem worse, and God's Teeth, I hope he doesn't get assassinated or whatever. Which brings me to the question - Is KKK still active?

Also, with the typical African American's behaviour in social environment, how would they behave now with one of them has become the President, albeit a mulato one? My questions may sound a little extreme and tinged with racism in light of the intense sufferings that the African-Americans have went through since slavery in Africa thousands of years ago, but they would not be entirely groundless, right?

And no, I'm NOT racist; I'm not even American!
(Trust me, I was seeing a black guy for the past couple of months, which proves I'm so NOT racist. Also, what's with the indirect message that you are deemed as a racist, just because you do not vote for Obama?)

Anywayyyys, setting aside the potential disasters, Obama just seems... Too soft. And too slick. You don't influence the world just because maybe, when you were a kid, you've once acclaimed, "I'm going to be the president of the United States of America when I grow up, Ma!" (No, he did not say that; I was just making a point) or something; You've got to have it.

Yes, I know with Obama being a Democrat, who are famous for spending lots of money, will provide the boost that the US economy needs right now and hey, yay for Asian markets! But I hardly think he's the right man in the long run. I mean, look at his 'tactics' for Iraq! Obama is fanciful with words, and he might have good advisors, I'll give him that, but one can only keep his fingers crossed as to how he would fare as President of U.S.A.

I'm not saying McCain is the god-send from Heaven and he was made for Presidency, but I just don't think Obama's it. McCain's only downfall is that he did not shake off the Bush's shadow in time, and also his old age - Everyone's apparently afraid that Palin will be President in the case he dies.

Current projected results on my company's TV:

Obama - 200

McCain - 090

I can't watch on anymore. With a bit of artistic license...

God Save the Free!

I fear for the state of the world.

戰無不勝.

2008-11-04T09:54:00.001+08:00

哪個叫做正義　哪個戰無不勝　
對錯正邪卻難定
哪個有權決定　天地自能做證　
不管有什麼背景

也許一出手　將世界左右
縱使一開口　空氣也顫抖
但是天闊地厚　誰都知這叫作荒謬

隻手一遮天　怎看見反面
四方給差遣　雙眼也蓋掩
越是到巔峰　越快變　變得似瘋癲
一個人　怎可以一手勝天

要有這樣氣侯　至有各樣妖獸　
笑說正義太陳舊
耨蟥A是太舊　天地未能沒有　
不管有什麼藉口

Er yeah, I've returned to my sporadic addictions to 古惑仔. Anyways,

My dear blog readers, ESPECIALLY my friends, leave comments leh. You guys ah, always telling me that you read my blog, and then pay me compliments here and there about how you love reading it - So leave comments mah!

See lah, make me type in Singlish. No more gud English for you already, lah.

Long distance thing?!

2008-10-31T02:47:00.009+08:00

It's probably very silly of me to be fawning over your words, but you totally got me when you gave me that compliment over our oovoo chat earlier on.

This is one of the few times that I can't recall a convo word for word :P But hey, I was taken aback, ok!

You said something like...

"You're almost perfect; You're really cool to hang out with and great to talk to. I mean, sometimes I tease you and we crack jokes but you're always cool. Look, you have a gorgeous figure and an absolutely beautiful face. I know you feel inferior about yourself and probably don't believe me, but you are honestly one of the most beautiful women I've ever met. I'm serious!"
The above looks like a word for word quotation, but its not. I was just typing based on bits and pieces of what I think I remembered.

Hardly! Look at all the celebrities you've met! However, I'll take it you meant it as one of the most beautiful women with BOTH interior and exterior beauty, yea? Thank you, cutie.

I still can't hear you call me 'love' without flinching, but it makes me a lil deliriously happy whenever you blurt out in the middle of our chat, "You're sooo cute!" and then flash me that gorgeous smile of yours.

Just a little bit... Heh. :)

"If we are going to do this long distance thing, we should take videos and send each other once in awhile."

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY "LONG DISTANCE THING"?! Now you're causing my overactive mind to read into that too much. Grr!

Should I, would I?

2008-10-30T15:43:00.003+08:00

I've gotten a list of affordable hotels to choose from, and the airlines I would want to take, all down pat. Barring all else, the round trip tickets + hotels + basic expenses/light shopping will costs me about $3500-$4000.

If my financing permits, then I would be getting a open return ticket instead :). I've always wanted to visit the Land of the Free and Home of the Brave, after all.

All I need is to know if I would need to stay at a hotel, and also to conceive a concrete plan to save up that few thousand dollars for the trip(What with paying a few hundred dollars worth of installments every month, coupled with the new laptop that I would have to pay for next month. Oh, and I signed up for broadband, like FINALLY). The pesky subject of his availability to be in town should be confirmed by December.

Now, the problem is... Should I?

Lies versus Paranoia.

2008-10-29T02:48:00.008+08:00

Author's note: Hey Nanda! I am honoured that my past posts actually made you cry for me... But don't worry, I don't think my depression's coming back anytime soon, thus, no more tears! :P

You're either a competent liar, or I'm being paranoid.

Everytime I force myself to let you go bit by bit, you come back into my life looking so fucking cute and making me laugh all the time. You make me think of getting a job in LA, settling down over there, and galloping into the sunset (boulevard?) with you.

Sigh.

Either ways, I've given up fighting this.

I'll be seeing you at the bitter end...

"Well--
all things turn bitter in the end
whether you choose the right or
the left way
and--
dreams are not a bad thing."

Oh shit.

2008-10-21T20:57:00.011+08:00

Yan is here to stay over tonight, and as she read my magazine, I was chattering on...

Yan: "*Cuts me off midword* You've been talking about your King I. more than you mention D tonight."

Me: "... Shit."

There weren't supposed to be any emotional attachments. Now I realise I'm turning possessive.

*Frowns*

On another note, I was checking my MySpace account earlier on, and I looked around and landed on D's page. Ok, FINE, I went into his profile because he's still YET to add me. Apparently, he's gonna meet up this girl he worked with at Hilary Duff's concert last year, and catch up. Also, every comment that D left for her since early last year was peppered with 'Miss you terribly love!' and 'catch up soon!!"

Coincidentally, I recall D once telling me about this girl he almost hooked up with at HD's concert, but didn't because he was the music director and had to maintain the level of professionalism.

How nice. I think about how I used to squeal when he calls me love, and I turn green around the gills. My heart feels so god-damn heavy and I feel like I'm on the verge of throwing up. Bloody sick and tired of feeling like a yo-yo.

Now excuse me while I go slash my wrists.

Say hi to my baby.

2008-10-20T10:52:00.007+08:00

She's red, not orange by the way.

I named her Artemis. Big name for a noobie's guitar, but she gets extra credits for being the eldest of many more to come.

One day... One fine day, I will have a baby deem worthy to call Apollo. And hopefully more to name Nyx, Erebus, Chaos, Tartarus, Eros, Ares and Erinyes, etc.

The next baby to come should be Meliae, accoustic guitar. Though prolly not after I've saved up a significant amount for my US trip next year :)

P.S: Everytime I think I've reached the deadend with D - when I already feel my heart breaking into pieces, crunching like car wheels on a gravel road... He would emerge with an email or call like a knight in shining armor, and impact me once again.

I mean, I was actually going to end this post on a more depressing note when my MSN messenger popped up with a notifier that I've received an email from him. How unbelievable is that?

Ramblings, and then some again.

2008-10-19T12:57:00.005+08:00

Yesterday was one of the few rare nights that I ventured into Clarke Quay alone, without knowing which of my friends might be there.

I'd only arranged to meet up with Dawg, but knowing that he'll be performing and such, I was fully prepared to be a lone ranger and leave within an hour of being in CQ.

Surprisingly, I've had the most fun I've had recently. I was with lovely friends who were wonderful company (Damien, Salman and Katherine), and I still manage to catch Ivory and Dawg perform in Arena.

I even had fun chatting with Dawg and his friend while smoking outside, before I went back in and Rukesh invited me to join him and his guests from SPH, and the singer from Bellini Grande. Total cutie by the way.

It was good. I wasn't sloshed, but had enough to just enjoy myself. And I did. For once, I was the centre of attention, and not a sidekick to the girlfriend of the guy who we're following around recently.

I chose where I wanna go, what I wanna do. And while I know that this probably won't happen again(having good company to party with all night long, and men falling all over your feet), it made me feel ALOT better after the crappy Friday I've had.

Also, I couldn't deny myself a lil smug satisfaction. I bumped into Leandra and her friend in Arena again, and we were on the dancefloor watching King I.'s set. They were drooling over him and muttered something about, "I would like an order of THAT!"

I smirked while they prattled on, and was on the verge of saying, "Sorry ladies, this HOT, fine specimen of a man is going back with ME tonight!"

Fortunately, I managed to bite my tongue.

3 weeks in a row. In point of fact, I now know more about King I. than I know D. I know bits about where King I. used to school at, bits of his family, bits of his work before he came to Asia, and what are his dreams and aspirations.

And what do I know of D? - What he's doing recently, who he used to play for, and how he was like in school. Yet D is the one who sets butterflies free in my stomach and ties my intestines up in knots whenever we chat.

ARGH. Dead ends on both Path A and Path B. I think I ought to scrape those two paths and procure my own walkway.

Bros before hos.

2008-10-18T20:08:00.003+08:00

Bros before hos, look into it. It's not the first time, and I doubt it'll be the last.

I know you've been through some of my tough shiet with me, but think of the things I've done for you. Stop measuring everything Nigel-wise.

I always thought I will definitely be there for you when this thing you have with him goes down, or when your mum returns, whatever.

Now I'm not too sure.

Motley Crue in Singapore.

2008-10-17T14:30:00.007+08:00

Author's note: Stupid fucking dumbass Ricky from Kumpufuckinlan strikes again. Our email correspondence:

Ricky: We have 8mm width rubber bands.
Me: I need 0.2cm width rubber bands instead, we don't need the 0.8cm thick ones. Do you have it?
Ricky: Width is 8mm.

DUMBASS! 8MM and 0.8CM; WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? YOU FUCKING BRAINLESS PIECE OF SHIT.

Yes, can you believe it?! SINGAPORE, actually had Mötley Crüe stop by for a 1 night only concert. The only other Asia country they will be at, is fucking Japan.

They didn't stop at Malaysia, Philipines, or Taiwan whatever. Not even Australia, who is so near us.

Holy hell. It was one god-damn awesome concert that was worth every buck (ticket prices were around $125-$160), especially when I got to see it for free. And most importantly, not have to queue. Friends who know me, would also know that I LOVE heavy metal and rock music, especially those from the late 70's to 80's. (AC/DC, Megadeth, Pantera, Rob Zombie, Kid Rock, The Who, The Clash, Sex Pistols, etc)

Naturally, the concert was like Heaven to me.

Sigh. Yes. This is the result of a 3.2mega pixel Sony Ericsson phone taken about 200m away. Can't see shit. I miss my Viewty :(.

Thank you Nigel. :D First you let me meet Glenn Ong, then I met the musicians from the American Idol and Rockstar Supernova housebands, and now I got to see Mötley Crüe... OMG!!!

We had the free flow drinks going on for us, but it didn't take long for us to go crazy. The anticipation of seeing them and finally doing so, made us HIGH enough! Basically I went crazy when they played AC/DC's Hells Bells on the speakers to cover the sounds of their sound check. Lmao.

If you did not make it to the concert, well... TOO BAD.

HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT!!!

You've unfortunately missed out on the hottest bassist alive - Nikki Sixx, the seemingly harmless but charming vocalist - Vince Neil, Mick Mars whose guitar skills I respect almost as much as I worship Angus Young's, and Tommy Lee, the eternal bad boy who drives fans wild.

I mean, I'm talking about Mötley Crüe... Do I really need to explain further? I don't think so.

HELL YEAH!!!

Some men can just kiss my arse.

2008-10-14T15:22:00.008+08:00

Okay, imagine this. In the beginning, you know a girl called Aizhen via WhoLivesNearYou.com. A few days later you receive a message on Facebook from a guy with no display picture, asking to be friends with you. As per usual, you ignore it.

One day, she introduced you to a guy, saying that he needs a model for his car's photoshoot. Thus you know the guy on 11th August 2008. You speak to him in MSN and he generously offered to loan you his laptop by arranging to meet on 12th August 2008. You exchange contacts and SMSes.

You two meet up for a couple of times, and you notice that the guy has an obvious liking towards you. You keep mum because you don't feel anything towards guy at all, but wish to still have him as a friend.

Guy asks you to be the model for his WRX which will be featured in Hot Stuff magazine. You agree. Guy informs dresscode of spaghetti/bikini top with skirt or shorts, and said that you would need to submit a photo for the editors to look through beforehand. You wavered. Eventually life caught up and you got too busy to do so, and conclude that you would skip this opportunity.

One day, as you messed about with guy's laptop, you realise the computer name was QuinSeng. It looks familiar and you realise its the same name as the account that Aizhen used to message you on WhoLivesNearYou. Composedly, you enquire with guy on the coincidence. Guy explained he loaned the account to the girl to use. By then, girl has stopped messaging you.

One day, guy starts rattling about his feelings to you, over in MSN. Before you get a word in, guy starts saying "I like you very much... *Hesitates* But I know you will never like me :) So its okay, hush. You don't have to say anything." *Rattles on and on.*

Conversation gets dominated of him making an ass out of u and me and you get pissed off. You chastise the guy, and guy gets frightened off. A week or so later, guy starts bugging for laptop back. You eventually backed up your stuff and complied.

3 days after retrieving his laptop, guy messages you on MSN and ask to be real friends as if he did not disappear off the face of the earth, only returning at times to bug for laptop. You consent, but asked guy to clear up some doubts, because you've come to realise that the anonymous person who asked to be friends on Facebook, was actually THE guy. HE MESSAGED YOU 4 DAYS BEFORE YOU SPOKE TO HIM, WHICH WAS AROUND THE SAME TIME THAT AIZHEN GOT YOUR MSN EMAIL.

Guy admits to sending the message, but INSISTS that he messaged you on the day he knew you, even though the message is still in your Facebook account. He later on claims that his Facebook's Sent Messages is emptied and he couldn't remember what he sent you.

Too many questions raised that were never really dealt with. Guy accuses you of shooting him like a criminal when guy was the one unable to give you any explanation. On suspicions that the Hot Stuff magazine shoot was a hoax (which is perfectly reasonable), you ask for the contacts of the editor/staff from Hot Stuff magazine, guy was only able to provide you with an GMAIL address.

Guy gets frustrated over not being able to answer your question, or even dare to admit to doing anything, and eventually tell you that he don't think you two can be friends and says he doesn't need your view.

YOU KNOW WHAT, MR BERNARD POON QUINSENG? I NO LONGER NEED AN EXPLANATION FROM YOU, YOU CREEP.

The law might say, "INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN OTHERWISE", but your actions so far have deemed you as a creepy schizo/psychopath until proven innocent.

Screw you, Bernard. And not in the good way you would have wanted from me.

I'd much rather spend the time googling or daydreaming about D. Much better time spent than on the likes of YOU. ARGH.

Whew!

2008-10-13T11:32:00.010+08:00

Celebrated our dear Miss Leck's birthday over the weekend. It was one crazy party, whew! Our birthday girl got smashing drunk before we even cut her cake at almost 10pm, LOL!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YAN!

Dear Yan leopard crawled, fell off chairs, zao geng, bite/hug/kick/kiss/smack people all over the place... Stepped on poor Ting's feet a few times and gave me a headbutt while I was wrestling with her hands... HAHAHA.

Still, it was a fun night. I got to see my dearies - Ni, Boon, Ting and Yan all together at one time ever since our last gathering at my place in April. Too bad we forgot to take a group pic. How can! *Feels bad*

Anyway, onto the topic of D, I knew I said I was going to swear off him for good, and that I'm done... But it wasn't my fault that he gave me a call in the middle of that night when I did not even know he was online! (Poor excuse, I know... :P)

Thanks to Yan's laptop, I DID manage to have a nice chat with D for AN HOUR again on Sunday morning (To which I slept at 6am and woke up at 9.20am, waiting) while I kicked Ting and Yan to the courtyard to give me some privacy while doing so. Have I told you I love my best friends? Hehehe...

I've became more or less of a hermit ever since I knew D. Always 'camping' out at home by 9pm (Or frankly, once I knock off from work) and waking up by noon on weekends no matter what time I fell asleep the night or morning prior. While I admit I'm addicted to D, I am also willing to compromise now. I DO know from Day One that it's all for a lost cause, after all.

I'll admit that I'm half in love with him already, but it shall always be "bros before hos", okay? Just wanted to let my friends know that I still love you guys, and I will try to go back to class from now on. :)

Anyway, managed to catch 2 movies recently after my 'movie drought' of a month plus.

Caught this movie with my dear Ting, Yan and Emily. We absolutely LOVED The House Bunny! Hilarious with classic quotes I won't be forgetting for awhile. "I never knew steam was so HOT!" The transformation of the girls also got my eyes nearly popping out of their sockets O_O. I actually cried at one Oliver scene because somehow, he reminded me of D. *sigh*

Donnie Yen~~~

Painted Skin was not what I expected. It being the only movie with suitable time slot for Ting, Yan and I to watch before we check out of Park Hotel, I was at first reluctant and almost veto-ed it, but my discretions soon disappeared when I saw Donnie Yen on the credit roll at the beginning. ("v")

It wasn't a horror movie as I'd originally thought too. It's just a love story with a demon theme... Wanted Zhao Wei to end up with Donnie SO SO much, so I was kinda disappointed in the end. Hated the General for actually falling in love with the vixen but was pacified when he made the right choice in the end.

Am glad I managed to catch 2 good shows instead of crappy ones in my limited free time, and with my dear girls while at it.

I'm probably paranoid for thinking so, but I felt ostracized ever since I'd stopped going to class since mid July. Whenever I do go to class or class events, mummy's(Note: the mummy I'm talking about its not my real mother, lah) “full-time” seem to have monopolised most of her time and they seem so close that I felt like I'd lost my spot in her life... It felt that way at our Taiwan trip when we were sharing our learnings and thoughts when mummy thanked her for being there and Amanda and I weren't around, and she named all the people who she wants to see succeed alongside with her... Everyone but my name. 从那时起，心里的结已开始酝酿着，我开始把他们锁在我心外。。。

我知道这样说，是等于不够气量，我也好讨厌自己会有那么自私的想法，但我的确是有这种感觉啊。。。我也想好好努力，让我的上线们能够以我为荣；让我可以成为老师的作品，而不是继续做老师的作业，但我还需要多一点点的关心。。。

真正了解我的知心好友，会了解我多么地害怕孤单寂寞。

我也好想好想成功；与组织里的朋友们顶峰相见的欲望还是好强好强，但这近半年来的孤独感已笼罩了我。。。我一个人，走不出来。Therefore, I can't really explain how happy it made me when I was amongst my secondary school friends on Yan's birthday... 真的好开心我还是有朋友的。重新发展自己的事业的那份欲望，又回来了。 :)

放心啦，心里的结已经打开了，我还是很爱我的朋友的，ｏｋ！

好啦，我也不想再谈这些有的没的；情绪是很重要的！Emo 只会让我体内的毒素增加，我才不要勒。。。我要美美和健健康康地过我的每一天 :)

TGIF... But why? :(

2008-10-10T18:03:00.002+08:00

Why oh why, when I'd admirably and defiantly forced myself to stay out till past midnight yesterday, did you decide to give me a call at 2am?

I took a baby step forward to giving up and you practically shove me back into this... Whatever this is.

Not fair~~~ :(

Am I losing you already? Big girls don't cry... Don't cry...

2008-10-08T08:24:00.007+08:00

3rd day and I'm still out. Zzz. Hate that I throw up the moment I wake up. NO, I'm NOT pregnant. Just down with some muthafu*king serious stomach flu.

For the last couple of days while I rested at home, I've noticed too many issues that will raise too many questions I don't really feel like asking him anymore. (Adding all others but me on MySpace, only 2 Skype contacts on the account he uses to chat with me - Not very probable, even I have 15 contacts when I've never really used it, so on and so forth.)

I know I said I was going to fight for it, for YOU, D, but I can feel that I'm losing you already.

Even though it is tearing me apart doing so, I give up. Officially.

I'm done.

Gawd I feel like throwing up. Is it because of my illness or because of him? I'm thinking this time, it's the latter.

For when my outward action doth demonstrate
The native act and figure of my heart
In complement extern, 'tis not long after
But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve
For daws to peck at. I am not what I am.

Come sing along with me...

Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more,
Men were deceivers ever,
One foot in sea, and one on shore,
To one thing constant never.
Then sigh not so, but let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny,
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into hey nonny nonny.

Brief account of the last week.

2008-10-07T19:51:00.004+08:00

I'm feeling SO demoralised right now... Because I've been sick like a dog for the last 2 days and I thought, hey, maybe I'll get to spend more time chatting with D on Skype but nooo... He's not been online. Only got a 4 minutes' chat with him when he was at his studio, evening time. Whatever happened to the calls when he wakes up at home? I'm starting to come out of this love-induced haze and realising that I prolly never meant much to him at all. *Glooms*

Well, I've lost my HP, as stated in my previous post, so do SMS me if you happened to have given me your number within the last 3 months, as I still have my old phone that I'm using now which is updated till early July.

To keep it brief, I lost my lovely LG Viewty on Friday (Sat morning to be precise) when the batt went dead but being dumb as I was (and a lil sloshed) I brought it along with me when I exited Yue via Lunar to go to Arena to find Mr. I.

I slipped on the spiral staircase in my boots, and my right hand, which was holding the phone, went instinctively to the railing for support, but it only bumped the phone out of my grasp, and either:

a) Clattered down the staircase to the crowded floor infront of me, or
b) went over the railing and my BLACK phone dropped into a pile of BLACK straws.

Anyway, got myself a scrapped knee and some bruises while searching on all fours but I still couldn't find it. Thus, the latest 200+ pictures from my Taipei trip and my birthday celebration were gone gone gone...

Life feels oddly helpless and empty when you are without your phone/digicam/mp3 player all in one.

I did get an one hour long Skype chat with D on Sat morning, but that's all I've really heard of him since then. Guess he's just crazy busy at work like he said. I suppose I can make do by YouTubing and Googling videos that he might be in...

Anyway, King I. was damn hot in his set last Sat night at Arena. *Fans herself* I even got pulled up the stage to dance with him for abit! It was so awkward because I couldn't bend my scrapped knee and I was SO embarrassed lol... But it was fun. He even rapped to me 2 versions of a song he wrote(Not on stage; afterwards lah), so it's all good :)

Am off for Dolly laoshi's bday celebration @ her place now. Will update this entry later regarding my Taipei trip. TTFN!

I miss him...

The aftermath.

2008-10-06T21:37:00.003+08:00

Thank you guys, I've had a wonderful and successful goth punk birthday celebration, lost HP and tie notwithstanding.

Also not forgetting the celebration next night with my dearest bunch of friends
that I've made online. <3

What you guys got for me was seriously one of the most thoughtful gift I've ever received. Thank you guys so much! *HUGS*

Happy Birthday.

2008-10-03T14:59:00.002+08:00

Goth punk theme birthday party at Arena tonight, see ya there!

The goth punk top that I'd left in Taiwan accidentally, is finally here! There is hope left for me yet, I'll just have to go collect it from Singpost Centre. Thank you Stella!

I've received numerous happy birthday wishes over sms, msn, and skype last night, and some calls today. Thank you, I'm really glad you guys care enough to send wishes :)

I'm actually getting used to receiving video calls from you at 10-11ish every night, and sometimes in the morning if I'm still around. Did you realise that? I also can't help blushing like a teenage girl everytime I see and talk to you in the chat.

I've finally borrowed a webcam from my colleague to chat with you last night. The smile you had on your face was so irresistable that I couldn't stop a responding grin forming on my lips.

The words "What? Look at you, you're gorgeous!" "*Chuckles* You're so cute." and the reciprocated finger wagging that we had fun about, have been resounding and replaying in my head all day. I get the best feeling in the world when you say "Hi, love." or even just smile, because I know, even if its just for a second, that I've crossed your mind for you to make that video call to me. I know you have a glib tongue that'd probably made alot of girls happy (Okay, that came out a lil wrong...) but God help me, I've sunken too deep by now.

I would not name this emotion, this feeling. I refuse to. Until the day you disappear from my life and break my heart... Until then...

“The mark of a true crush is that you fall in love first and grope for reasons afterward." - Shana Alexander

"It's funny how big of an impact you have on me. It's like when I see you, you don't even have to speak...all you can do is smile, and it can make my day, and then that's how I remember my reasons for loving you."

P.S: I've celebrated a few colleagues' birthdays in the office so far, therefore I was shocked and frankly, dismayed that they didn't think to celebrate my birthday and had only remembered to wish me happy birthday when I invited a few of the ladies to my party tonight. Guess I'm just a lowly staff not worth the time. At least I got hugs and wishes from some better friends in the office.

23.

2008-10-02T20:17:00.003+08:00

Hey guys... Yup, I'm back from Taipei.

23... It's the number that tells me that I'm not longer a 'youngster'. 21 is a youngster, 22 was pushing it, but upon reaching 23...

Sigh.

So much has happened in this past year for me. Right now, I'm serenely camped out infront of the laptop, listening to some music, enjoying my bottle of ice cold Hoegaarden and simple dinner, while waiting for the hours to countdown till I hit 23 years old.

It's nothing to write home about, but it could have been worse.

Happy Birthday, to me.

2008-09-25T03:44:00.003+08:00

There's only one reason why I upload this vid. :)

Anyway, I would be off for my trip to Taiwan on Friday morning, so I would need to be at the airport at an ungodly hour. Would be out to Arena for a F1 event thingy later tonight, plus after checking out the hotel facilities, it said nothing about internet connection *sigh*. No video calls for me then... Hopefully he'll call me on my cell.

Not sure when's the next time I'll be blogging, so you blogders take care.

xoxo

Jenx,

Your blog mistress.

Skype.

2008-09-23T23:14:00.004+08:00

One day I will be looking back at these posts and grinning at myself for having been such a spaz. But I'm glad I'm having my happy moments, 'cos Lord knows if I'll be having that in the future.

Guess who has 14 mins and 07 secs of video call recorded on her handphone? And another short but really sweet video? :)

I LOVE SKYPE. THANK YOU GOD, FOR CREATING SKYPE! I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU!

Turns out neither of our texts have ever reached each other... I thought it was my 1 sms per day that kept us in contact till now, but hey, turns out we didn't even need that! He thinks about me just the same. *Delirious with happiness*

I love it when you call me 'love'. ☺

Taiwan trip in about 2 days' time.

2008-09-23T11:24:00.003+08:00

... Will be back a couple of days before my birthday :)

Still wondering what my birthday theme should be. Punk rock/metal, or gothic?

I wonder if he'll call me?

I just had a MSN convo with Ying earlier on, and we were talking about how Dave made me sad, because I miss him and etc.

Actually, thinking about it, you don't make me sad. Setting myself up for the fall IS gonna leave me heartbroken, but YOU don't make me sad.

You're the oddity that brings me lil bits of happiness without a truckload of pain that usually comes with my share of happiness.

You are the guy who filled my jaded mind with sweet untainted memories. I know that one day, Time will enervate my feelings for you, but I will cling on to this sensation for as long as I can, as it warms my heart the way I warmed your hands for you. :)

I will fight for this sweet emotion and never let go, even though I know there is only a dead end at the end of the path. Just like a gladiator who stepped into the Colosseum knowing that his fate has been sealed.

We who are about to die, salute you.

Underneath the bridge

The tarp has sprung a leak

The animals I've trapped have all become my pets.

And I'm living off of grass and drippings from the ceiling.

It's OK to eat fish, 'cause they don't have any feelings.

Something in the way. Mmm-hmm...

三聚氰胺; Melamine.

2008-09-22T14:11:00.014+08:00

Author's note: Before I go on the entry about melamine, let me talk about my encounter at MOS last Saturday. Basically, it was my friend's birthday celebration so we went to MOS for a girls' night out.

Dear Esther loves dancing on the Smoove platform, so what else can we do but to accommodate the birthday girl? In order to have the party strings spraycan on hand, I did not deposit my bag, and instead put it on the floor between my legs and kiap it like an auntie.

5 minutes into dancing, I felt my bag being jerked upwards and as I looked down, this fat, unexceptional guy in spectacles and a T-shirt looked back at me. Once he noticed that I was looking at him, he moved away from me and stole glances at me stealthily. I immediately jumped down from the platform and checked my bag. My head started spinning when I couldn't find my LV bag inside.

Thankfully, it was on the platform. That arsehole unzipped my exterior carrier bag and tried to take out my LV bag inside. Only thing that stopped him was that he underestimated the length of my LV bag, so it jerked on my carrier when he tried to take it out.

Chris on a crutch! I knew I should have pulled that guy out of MOS and handed him to my dear bouncer friends, but my legs turned into jelly when I first thought my LV bag was gone. All I could do was to stare at the guy incredulously while getting the hell out of dodge, patting my bag constantly to make sure it was still there. I've lost a digicam at the exact same spot before. I'm NEVER stepping foot into Smoove dancefloor ever again.

Right. Now onto the infamous topic, melamine.

大白兔奶糖 is like one of my favourite Chinese New Year snacks. How can!

Basically, this is melamine:
aka C3H6N6.

In chinese, you call it 三聚氰胺(sān jù qíng àn). It's actually some sort of chemical to falsely increase protein contents in food by actually increasing the nitrogen levels(common tests measures protein levels BY testing the levels of nitrogen in said product).

Nitrogen is the key component in building proteins, and nitrates, though not naturally produced by the human body, once introduced, can also be converted into amino acids, which are also used to build proteins. Therefore, melamine were popular with additives and pet/human food(so their products can be sold at a better price for higher Protein rating), though eventually they got banned under Pure Food and Drug Act, from being used in animal feed and in products for human consumption, and also vegetable proteins.

Ingestion of melamine may lead to reproductive damages, bladder/kidney stones, which can lead to bladder cancer. Long time absorption may also lead to kidney failure. In animals, when melamine combines with cyanuric acid(in which cyanuric acid itself is permitted in pet food in small amounts since its essentially nontoxic), might cause renal failure in your pets.

In some instances, it is still relatively safe to consume small amount of melamine-tainted food, but you must spare a thought for possible chronic intoxicity, even if you get lucky enough to avoid acute intoxicity.

I've had kidney infection/stones problems before, so I'm not about to risk my health again, even if it means more pricey food. So, darlings, with a) everything being 'Made in China' nowadays, b) having no official list of melamine-tainted food yet, c) if you have been unknowingly feeding your pets melamine-tainted products, and d) if you are a dairy lover like I am, there's only two words for the likes of us:

We're screwed.
(Thank Gawd for small favours like soya bean)

P.S: I did not simply copy the above information from a site; In order to provide my blogders with a 'summarised' explanation of melamine, I did my fair share of research, aite?! I WAS a pure chemistry student after all! (Even though I was crap at it.) For commercial uses for melamine, read here.

Exhilaration.

2008-09-21T14:54:00.009+08:00

ex·hil·a·ra·tion
n. The state of being stimulated, refreshed, or elated:

noun
the feeling of lively and cheerful joy;

Ex*hil`a*ra"tion\, n. [L., exhilaratio.]
1. The act of enlivening the spirits; the act of making glad or cheerful; a gladdening.

Synonyms:
ecstasy, euphoria, gaiety, gladness, jollity, joyousness, liveliness, animation, elatedness, euphoria, exaltation, inspiration, uplift.

All it took was one call from him, even though it was just via his Skype. I jumped out of bed wide awake upon receiving his call at 1412hours... Which was 0112hrs St Louis time, where he is currently at now.

HE CALLED ME HE CALLED ME HE CALLED ME!!!

I got so ecstatic that I forgot the technique to chatting on Skype is to talk s.l.o.w.l.y and give the lag time of 3 secs. It didn't even last 2 mins, and half of the conversation was filled with "Huh? Hello? I can't hear you very well." and just mainly about what I'm doing and stuff and griping over the lousy connection. I eventually lost the reception and hung up the phone.

*Sigh* I thought I was dreaming when I heard his voice.

"Hey, it's D. You're sleeping huh? *Chuckles*"
"No I'm not! No, nah, nope! I'm up!"

I heard celestial trumpets playing triumphantly in the background, which surprisingly echoed in sync with the memories of the fireworks that have exploded when our lips first touched on the midnight of last Saturday, as if it was 4th of bloody July.

Hey, I'm not that gullible to assume that I mean anything to him at all, not like the way he means to me; I'm sure we'll gradually lose contact one day, and this sweet tenderness (on my end, that is) will only start to kill me slowly, but I can't bring myself to care.

I've lost part of my heart to him during that short period of time we've spent together. It's only right that I try to fight for it and HIM with everything I have.

Si vis Pacem, para Bellum - If you want peace, prepare for war.

Therefore, he who wishes peace, should prepare war; he who desires victory, should carefully train his soldiers; he who wants favorable results, should fight relying on skill, not on chance." - Publius Flavius Vegetius Renatus

I miss you so much, D.

HE REPLIED HE REPLIED HE REPLIED.

2008-09-20T19:40:00.002+08:00

Holy Christ HE REPLIED ME ON MYSPACE!!! (And I now have him on Skype =])

It's like the dark clouds shrouding my entire being these last few days have been lifted of slight, and while I don't see any leprechaun with his pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, I'm contented with receiving a PM from him.

Contented and discontented at the same time. Does that sound logical to you?

Alcoholics Anonymous.

2008-09-18T09:51:00.004+08:00

Bloody hangover is killing me. Ugh.

Somebody call the soddin' AA. Not the Singapore one though, bloody hell, everything's about turning to God.

If you want something done, if you want to change your life, you don't resort to dependency on God or whoever. You don't go believing God will guide and aid you.

You fuckin' believe in yourself. You can do this. Fix it.

Your Results
Yes No
8 4

Did you answer YES four or more times? If so, you are probably in trouble with alcohol.

Shit.